


Close Your Eyes and Dream

by Lopithecus



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Asuma turns into an awesome wingman for part of this story, Canon-Typical Violence, Gai is gay, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Kakashi is demi-rom and demi-sexual, M/M, Self-Discovery, Slow Burn, a little bit of, a tad bit of internalized acephobia from Kakashi until Gai tells him he’s being stupid, accidental minor homophobic language on Kakashi’s part, but also Kakashi is a little shit when he’s a kid, for both parties involved, he really doesn’t mean to though and apologizes, rated M mostly for the ANBU chapters, these two boys are disasters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:08:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27390232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lopithecus/pseuds/Lopithecus
Summary: "When you truly care for someone, their mistakes never change your feelings because it's the mind that gets angry but the heart still cares."[X]No matter what happens in their lives, Gai will always be there for Kakashi and love him.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai | Might Guy
Comments: 101
Kudos: 179





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was working on a pretty angsty and dark KakaGai fic, got a quarter of the way through chapter 2, got stuck, started hating everything I just wrote for it, and so wrote this instead to try and bring up my self-esteem and make myself not feel like a fraud of a writer. Thankfully, it worked!
> 
> I’m extremely loose with the timeline here. Also, this sort of turned into a character study of Gai but also featuring KakaGai.
> 
> This is just as much as a Gai accepting himself fic as it is a Kakashi accepting himself fic (just Kakashi’s is more in the background and from Gai’s point of view.)
> 
> So, I started writing this with the thought that it would just be a one-shot but it got… super long… so I broke it up into chapters instead. This is already completely written and will have a weekly update schedule.
> 
> Please enjoy!

When Gai is twelve, he starts to notice things. More specifically, he starts to notice what girls say about Kakashi.

_“He’s so cool and cute!”_

_“Ah, I wish I could be friends with him!”_

_“That’s child’s play!_ I _wish I could be his girlfriend!”_

_All the girls squeal._

And the things they say about him.

_“He’s so weird and ugly!”_

_“Who would want to be friends with him?”_

_“No one is going to want to be his girlfriend.”_

_All the girls grimace._

He’d be lying if he said it didn’t hurt but he’s gotten pretty good at hiding his anger and his pain. Instead, he smiles and throws out a thumbs up for good measure, thanking them for their encouragement just like his dad would. They all scowl and run away but Gai doesn’t let it bother him.

 _He doesn’t want a girlfriend anyway._ Gai thinks even though that very thought makes his chest clench uncomfortably. _He doesn’t._

He doesn’t care that it’s the normal evolution of life for a man to end up with a woman. He can stay single for the rest of his life and be perfectly happy. He knows he can! He’s been happy being alone, with just his rival for company, up until now.

It’s fine.

It is.

It has to be.

Gai kicks a stone as he walks down the path, hands shoved into his pockets. It’s autumn, Gai’s favorite time of year where the weather is just starting to turn cold but not unpleasantly and the leaves are changing and falling from the trees. He likes to take picnics, either by himself or with his dad when he’s not working a mission in the village, lying under a tree, and watching the leaves float to the ground. It’s a really beautiful time of year. 

Gai hears a group of girls giggle and when he looks up, he notices that Kakashi is among them. He looks bored, a little panicky if one knew how to read his microexpressions even with the mask snug on his face, and looking as if he wants to be anywhere but there. Gai smiles. Perfect!

He runs up to the group, calling, “Kakashi!”

They all turn to him, the girls groan, and one even says, “Ugh, why is Kakashi-kun even _friends_ with that weirdo?”

Gai ignores them and jumps into the middle of the group. “I issue you a challenge!” Kakashi sighs but Gai ignores that too. “The first one to catch the most fish in the river _with their bare hands_ wins!”

Kakashi sighs again, shuts the book he had been dutifully reading in order to ignore the flock around him, and starts walking in the direction of the river. “Fine.”

Gai watches him, a little taken aback by just how _easy_ that had been. Then again, Kakashi did act as if he wanted to be away from those girls. Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he jogs up to Kakashi to catch up. Both of them ignore the girls whining and calling for Kakashi to come back.

To not go off with Gai, the weirdo.

It doesn’t take them long to get to the river since it had only just been down the path. The challenge goes as well as expected from anyone but Gai, with Kakashi catching four fish while Gai caught one. Still, Gai promises Kakashi to do better next time, that he will now do three hundred — no four hundred — push ups. As Gai is doing his push ups, Kakashi sits down and starts reading his book again. 

Gai watches him, getting distracted. He really is handsome and cool and cute and… Gai’s cheeks flame red and he’s glad the exercise is already flushing his face so Kakashi can’t tell… hopefully. Gai looks away from his rival. Anyone would be lucky to be his girlfriend.

Sagging, Gai stops. He pulls his knees forward until he’s sitting on his shins. “What’s it like?” he asks quietly, so quiet he’s almost afraid Kakashi doesn’t hear him at first.

“Hmm?” Kakashi eyes him from the corner of his eyes.

“Having so many people like you?”

Kakashi turns to him then, studying. After a long pause, he finally speaks. “You shouldn’t let what they say about you get to you.”

Gai’s entire face lights red at having been so easily caught out. “I-I’m not!”

Kakashi shrugs, turning back around to his book. “I don’t really care about it.”

“What?”

“The girls. I don’t care.”

“But you could have so many friends,” Gai insists.

Kakashi sighs and stands, closing his book once more. “I don’t care. I want to be left alone.”

He starts to walk away but Gai calls after him. “Then why are you _my_ friend?”

Kakashi stops, turns. “We aren’t friends.” That hurts. “We’re rivals as you keep reminding me.” Kakashi rolls his eyes. “And you didn’t give me much of a choice.” He says it with so much disdain laced in his voice that Gai’s chest clenches hard and he has to swallow against the urge to cry. Kakashi rolls his eyes again, probably being able to tell how upset Gai has gotten, and turns back to walk away.

Gai watches him go, his figure getting more and more blurry as tears fill his eyes. Before they can fall, however, he wipes them away angrily and goes back to doing his push ups even though he really doesn’t feel like doing them anymore.

Kakashi is wrong.

True, they are rivals like he said.

But they most definitely _are_ friends, too.

*~~~*

“Why don’t you care to have friends?” Gai asks one day as he and Kakashi walk through the village.

Kakashi shrugs. “I just don’t. Why does it matter?”

 _Because you don’t know what it feels like to have no one like you_. Gai smiles. “Because I’m your friend!”

Kakashi sighs. “Gai, we’ve been over this-”

“Then why are we hanging out as we speak?”

“Because you won’t go away…”

“Ha! That’s because I’m your friend!” Gai beams at him until Kakashi shoves the back of his book into Gai’s face to push him away. Still, there had been a microexpression of a smile on Kakashi’s face, Gai is sure, so he decides to count this as a win anyway.

“Kakashi-kun!” A girl, Tamiko-chan, calls as she runs up to them. She glares at Gai as she stops in front of them, grabbing a hold of Kakashi’s hand and tugging, dragging him away. “My friends and I want you to come see something.”

“W-Wait!” Gai goes after them. “Kakashi and I were hanging out.”

If glares could kill, Gai would be dead ten times over by the one Tamiko-chan gives him. “He doesn’t even _like_ you. Just go away.”

Gai swallows and keeps following. “That’s not true!”

“Gai, just leave it alone,” Kakashi mumbles and Gai isn’t sure if he says that for Gai’s sake — so Gai doesn’t have to endure any more insults — or if Kakashi is doing it for his own sake — so he doesn’t have to deal with Gai anymore.

The intensity of the anger and jealousy Gai feels in the pit of his stomach that rises rapidly into his throat is unexpected. “No!” He speeds up so he can get in front of the two, blocking their way. “They can’t just take you away from me-”

“He’s not _yours._ ”

“-when we were in the middle of doing something!” Gai complains.

“We weren’t really doing anything,” Kakashi mumbles.

Gai places balled up fists on his hips. “Walking through the village _is_ doing something.”

“Gai!” Kakashi’s eyes narrow, his voice turning deadly. “Just back off.”

“But-”

“Go away,” Tamiko-chan tells him angrily and continues pulling Kakashi away, stepping around Gai.

Kakashi doesn’t even glance back at him.

And despite being embarrassed by the tears rolling down his cheeks — damn him for always being so emotional — he still wishes Kakashi would look back. Because that would mean Kakashi didn’t mean what he said. Because that would mean Kakashi actually did like him. Because Gai likes Kakashi.

Because Gai likes him a lot.

He…

Gai throws a hand up to cover his mouth before a sob can escape. He realizes he’s hurt and angry but most of all, he’s completely and utterly jealous. He wants Kakashi to like him as much as Gai likes him. He wants Kakashi to look at him the way he looks at Kakashi. He wants Kakashi to devote himself to Gai like Gai devotes himself to Kakashi.

He wants Kakashi’s attention.

Like Kakashi gives those girls attention.

He wants…

His face is red from both crying and from the thoughts running through his mind. It’s not normal to think those things about another boy, Gai knows this but he can’t help it. Kakashi is just… a beautiful person, inside and out.

Choking on what seems like his own throat, Gai turns around and starts running. He’s not sure where to but his feet carry him to the training grounds. Ebisu and Genma along with Chōza-sensei are still there from earlier. Gai had left before them, announcing that he had a challenge to do with Kakashi. Now, they look at his flushed, blotchy, tear-stained face in worry.

“Gai, what’s wrong?” Chōza-sensei asks, walking up to him, brows furrowing in worry. Gai appreciates it.

He wipes the tears and snot off his face and gives them a wide smile and thumbs up. “It’s nothing, Sensei! I’m just here to train more!” Ebisu and Genma exchange glances while Chōza-sensei looks unconvinced but doesn’t push him.

Gai starts training.

*~~~*

That night, Gai sits at the table watching his father cook, his back to Gai. He’s wearing the green spandex jumpsuit just like Gai is and Gai looks at it with hatred. He wonders if he could convince his dad to buy him a set of regular, normal clothes. Maybe people — more specifically Kakashi — will start to like him more then.

Gai crosses his arms on the table and buries his face in the crook of them, ashamed at his own thoughts. He should be proud of the jumpsuit, not embarrassed by it… and in no circumstance should he be thinking of Kakashi liking him like that. Gai sighs.

“Something bothering you, Son?” Dai asks, setting the plates filled with curry down on the table.

Gai peaks up from his hiding place, dragging his eyes over his father’s figure. “Did Mom love you?”

Dai flinches back a little as he sits down in the chair opposite Gai, obviously not having expected such a question. “Why are you asking?”

Gai sits up. “Well, did she?”

“Of course, she did.”

“Did she think you were cute?”

“Gai…”

“Did she?”

“Yes,” his father answers simply.

Gai can already feel the tears pooling traitorously in his eyes. “You’re lying,” he mumbles.

“Gai, if your mother didn’t think I was attractive, you wouldn’t be here.” There’s a prominent frown plastered on his father’s face. “Gai, has someone said something to you?”

Gai wipes at his eyes furiously with his sleeve. “No,” he denies, refusing to burden his father with his own problems.

“Then where is this coming from?” Dai asks him. He reaches over the table and grabs a hold of Gai’s hand that isn’t currently wiping tears away. “Do you like someone?”

Gai’s face turns red and he pulls his hand away from his dad’s to hide behind it along with his other hand. “No.”

He can hear the amusement in his father’s voice when he next talks. “Ah, beautiful young youth and their precious crushes! Tell me, Gai, who is the lucky lady?”

Gai sags in his seat, lowering his hands even though he can feel his face is still on fire. “There’s no one, Dad.”

“Fine, keep it a secret from your dear old dad for now!” Dai takes a big bite of his curry, still smiling until it finally falls and he stares at Gai sadly. “Gai… don’t listen to what others say about you,” he says gently.

Gai swings his leg, scuffing the floor, and avoids eye contact with his father. His dad of all people should know it’s not that simple. “How did mom fall in love with you?”

“Hmm…” Dai thinks, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “I guess it just happened. We were put on the same team and she would always encourage me to get better. Even when she made Chunin and then Jounin, she still hung out with me, giving me pointers on how to improve, and telling me someday I’ll make it too.”

“But you didn’t,” Gai grumbles.

Dai shakes his head. “That doesn’t matter. What matters is she always believed in me and I in her. She didn’t care that I never made it past Genin. She loved me the way I was.”

“But why?”

Dai laughs. “I’m not a mind reader, Gai. I have no idea why. Maybe because being on the same team let her get to know me better. Maybe she fell in love with my wonderful, magnetic personality before she found me attractive. Who knows!” Dai smiles at his son, bright and genuine. “If you make someone fall in love with your personality, Gai, then even the things other people find ugly about you will seem cute to her.” He gives a loud, short laugh before he shrugs and continues nonchalantly. “Either way, we loved each other and I would have protected her with my life as I know she would have done the same for me.”

Gai looks down at the table. “Then why didn’t you?” Neither of them has to clarify that Gai means when his mother died during a mission.

Dai frowns and reaches over to grab one of Gai’s hands again. He cradles it gently, rubbing calloused fingers over Gai’s knuckles. “Because I had someone more important than your mother to protect… you.”

Gai looks up into his father’s eyes and sees so much love shining back that it makes his chest clench with warmth. He lunges across the table and wraps his arms around his father’s neck, the both of them sobbing into each other’s shoulders. “Thank you, Dad!”

Gai takes it back, the jumpsuits are awesome.

*~~~*

Later that night, Gai is in his room trying to go to sleep when he hears someone shuffling around in his window. He jumps out of bed, whipping the light on, and ready to fight before he sees who exactly it is. When he does, he relaxes.

“Hey,” Kakashi jumps down from the windowsill onto the floor.

Gai looks at him suspiciously. “What are you doing here?”

Instead of answering, Kakashi shoots a question back. “Are you okay?”

Gai shifts from one foot to the other. He doesn’t know what Kakashi’s motive is but he can’t see nor sense any malicious intent so he answers. “I’m fine.” He goes and crawls back onto his bed, sitting cross-legged.

“Good.” Kakashi shoves his hands into his pockets awkwardly, looking anywhere but at Gai. “I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tomorrow?” He shrugs and continues before Gai can say anything — not that Gai thinks he would have been able to say anything in his shock anyway. “We can go somewhere we won’t get bothered this time.”

Kakashi sounds bored and disinterested but the microexpression of a smile is back on his face and it lights everything up inside Gai. He’s jumping out of the bed and squeezing Kakashi in a tight hug before he even has a chance to think about it.

“Thank you, Kakashi!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> [Tumblr](https://angelcamael.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Fanfiction Tumblr](https://lopithecusfanfiction.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

At fourteen, Gai finds out Kakashi is dating a girl named Mayumi. The worst part is, he doesn’t even find out from Kakashi. Instead, he hears it from Asuma and Kurenai who are standing in line for the new ramen stand opening up.

Gai feels his heart constrict. “What?”

“You didn’t know?” Kurenai asks, moving up with the line.

Asuma chuckles. “I thought you would be the first to find out.” He’s teasing Gai, Gai knows this but Gai also knows he should be right. Kakashi should have told him.

So why hadn’t he?

Gai’s chest tightens more and he swallows against the jealousy that is threatening to overflow. “Well, I have to go find my rival and congratulate him on his new venture in life!” he announces, bouncing out of line.

He runs all around the village before he finally finds Kakashi sitting under a tree, in the shade, reading a book. He runs up to him enthusiastically. “Kakashi! Why didn’t you say you were dating a precious flower in the village?”

Kakashi glances up with his eye. Ever since Obito died, Kakashi’s been a bit more distant. That just encourages Gai to get closer, make him admit that they are friends. Kakashi shuts the book and stands, wiping his pants off as he tucks the book away. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Of course it is!” Gai says. “You are venturing into a new chapter in your life. A budding young romance of two beautiful souls.”

“You haven’t even met her,” Kakashi says under his breath.

“Well, did she go to the academy with us?”

“Yes.”

“Then I should know her.”

Kakashi looks skeptical, starting to walk away. “Gai, you’re bad with faces on a good day.”

“I always have good days!” he says, following along and biting his bottom lip. With Kakashi, he’s learned to tread carefully with the things he says. “Still, you’re only thirteen. Don’t you think you’re a little… young?”

“I’m going to be fourteen next month, Gai.” Kakashi stops and looks at him. “You’re already fourteen. You should think about starting to date too.” Gai’s face heats up red despite knowing Kakashi is teasing him. He watches as Kakashi shrugs and continues to walk. “Besides, I’m a jounin. I’m far more adult than you are.”

Gai huffs, falling in step with Kakashi. “You were a jounin at ten, Kakashi. That hardly equates you to being an adult.” They fall silent after that, walking the outskirts of the village. If Gai let himself daydream long enough, he could almost imagine the two were on a date and he would be allowed to reach over and grab Kakashi’s hand and maybe even kis-

Gai shakes his head, ridding himself of those thoughts. He’s been trying really hard to stop himself from thinking of Kakashi like that. He shouldn’t be thinking such things — _sexual_ things — towards his best friend. It’s a breach of boundaries.

“So, do you like her?” Gai asks, not being able to help himself. Kakashi shrugs. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, I don’t have an opinion either way,” Kakashi explains. He stops, peering out into the water. They ended up at the river that they had caught fish in a couple years ago.

“Aren’t you supposed to like the one you’re dating?” Gai asks, sitting down.

Kakashi sits down next to him. “I guess so. I only said I’d go out with her because she asked.”

“She asked?” Gai looks at Kakashi’s profile. He really is beautiful. He doesn’t blame Mayumi for wanting to date him. “Why did you say yes if you weren’t interested then?”

Again, Kakashi shrugs. “Thought I’d try it.”

Gai watches him. He wants to scoot closer. He wants to hold him. Kakashi looks sad. “You shouldn’t force yourself like that,” he mumbles, picking up a stone and tossing it into the river. It skips a couple of spaces. It gives Gai an idea for a challenge.

He opens his mouth to tell Kakashi when Kakashi rolls his eyes. “No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You were going to challenge me to a stone skipping contest.”

“No, I… well yeah but…”

“I don’t feel like it right now, Gai.”

“Okay…” Gai studies him more. Kakashi reaches back into his backpack, pulling out his book and starting to read. “Do you… do you ever have  _ sexual _ thoughts?”

“What?” Kakashi looks at him in shock and Gai is almost proud he put that look on his friend’s face. “What kind of question is that? You don’t ask that of other people, Gai!”

“But the books you read-”

“Mean nothing.” Kakashi leaves it at that, a slight tint of pink showing on the little bit of his exposed cheek. He turns back to his book.

Gai rubs his hands on the ground. “Are you going to do  _ sexual _ things with Mayumi?”

Kakashi flops his book down, looking annoyed now. If Gai isn’t careful, Kakashi will get up and leave him all alone. “So you do know her.”

Gai shrugs. “Just her name.”

“It’s what you do when you date someone, right?” Kakashi asks, almost sounding unsure himself.

Gai shrugs again. The jealousy is back in the pit of his stomach, thinking about Kakashi touching someone else like that or someone touching Kakashi like that. He hates it. He doesn’t want it.

He needs to know if it will happen.

“You don’t have to,” he says quietly, looking out into the river again.

He can feel Kakashi’s gaze on him, scrutinizing. “Are you okay?”

Gai curls his knees up to his chest and rests the bottom half of his face on them, refusing to look at Kakashi and continues to stare out into the water. His body feels hot and embarrassed. He wants to curl in on himself and hide. “I’m fine.” He sounds unconvincing even to his own ears.

Kakashi is still looking at him and Gai wishes he would just go back to reading his nasty book. Instead, Kakashi places a hand on his back and gives it a couple of awkward pats. “You’ll find a girlfriend someday, too, Gai.”

Gai peeks over at Kakashi. He doesn’t want a girlfriend.

He wants a boyfriend.

He wants Kakashi.

*~~~*

When Gai is hanging out with Genma and Ebisu one day, he overhears Mayumi bragging about having sex with Kakashi. She’s pretty blatant about it, which makes Gai’s face grow red in secondhand embarrassment, and causes Ebisu and Genma to ask him what’s the matter. He shakes his head, not answering their question, announces his departure — saying he’s off to see Kakashi loud enough so Mayumi and her squealing groupies will hear him — and heads off, ignoring the annoyed glares that Mayumi and the other girls give him.

He searches everywhere for Kakashi. He’s not home, he’s not at the memorial stone, he’s not in any of the training fields, and he’s not in any of his favorite reading spots. He searches all day until the sun is starting to set, casting bright orange light across the clear sky. He starts to wonder if he missed him at any of the spots he’s looked when he runs into someone coming out of a bookstore.

Gai begins to apologize but then sees who exactly he ran into. “Kakashi?”

“Watch it, Gai.”

“I’ve been searching everywhere for you!” He takes a quick look over Kakashi’s body, making sure he’s okay. When he sees nothing concerning, he relaxes. “Where have you been, my Rival?”

Kakashi blinks at him. “I was out on a mission. I told you.”

Gai blanches. He’d forgotten in his rush of worry about the prospect of Kakashi having had sex with Mayumi that he had a mission today. Gai rubs the back of his neck, embarrassed. “That’s right…”

Kakashi sighs, looking unamused. “What did you want?”

Gai looks around. The street is busy tonight. “Maybe we could talk somewhere else?”

“Fine,” Kakashi agrees, opening up his new book and leading the way.

They end up in a park that’s been deserted for the day. They sit down on a bench, Kakashi reading and Gai fidgeting nervously. Now that he has the opportunity to ask Kakashi, he’s not entirely sure he wants to know the answer. His palms are sweaty and maybe he should have cleaned himself up first before deciding to come to a secluded area with Kakashi. He probably smells like sweat and dirt.

Kakashi has a good nose.

Gai’s body heats up in shame and he clasps his hands together and shoves them between his thighs to try and still them. He feels like throwing up, nerves making his stomach twist. Why is he so nervous about being alone with Kakashi? Maybe it’s the subject matter that he has to bring up or maybe it’s the romantic setting, Gai isn’t sure, but he wants it to stop and never happen again.

“Are you going to tell me what you wanted or can I go home?” Kakashi speaks, breaking the silence between them.

“Did you and Mayumi have sex?” Gai blurts out, immediately slamming a hand to his mouth, feeling as his face turns red. He really hadn’t meant it to come out like that.

Kakashi’s face is red now, too, and his grip on his book has tightened. “Why are you asking me that?”

Gai scoots away a little. He can  _ feel _ the embarrassment and anger rolling off of Kakashi in waves. “Well, Mayumi was telling her friends that-”

“That we had sex?”

“Well, did you?”

Kakashi stands and the look he gives Gai is deadly. “I don’t see how that is any of your business.”

Gai knows Kakashi is right but him saying it in that angry tone of voice hurts nonetheless which then in turn just makes Gai feel pathetic. Kakashi is walking away and Gai stands, chasing after him. “Wait, Kakashi, I’m sorry-”

“Go away, Gai!” Kakashi throws something back at him — his new book, Gai realizes — and continues to storm away. “Leave me alone for once in your life!”

Gai stops in his tracks, a feeling of dread settling itself in the pit of his stomach. He has this feeling that he really,  _ really _ , messed up and there might be no coming back from it.

He doesn’t know what he would do if he lost Kakashi.

He would probably die.

*~~~*

His dad finds him up in his room that night, knees drawn up to his chest, and crying into them. Dai sits down on the edge of the bed silently and strokes Gai’s hair until Gai is calm enough to speak coherently. It’s soothing.

“What happened, Son?” Dai asks him.

Gai lifts his head and rests his chin on his knees. His father immediately starts to wipe the tear stains away. “I think I messed up with Kakashi.”

“Oh?”

“He hates me.”

“Gai, no one could hate you.”

“Everybody hates me!” Gai tries to hit his father with his pillow but Dai catches it easily, setting it off to the side.

“That’s not true,” Dai reassures. “You have Genma and Ebisu, along with… uh… what were their names? Kurenai and Asuma?”

Gai buries his face into his knees again. “They just tolerate me. Just like Kakashi only ever tolerated me.”

“I doubt that’s true,” his father says and for some reason, it infuriates Gai. His dad has no idea what it's like for him.

He’s never really been one to yell at his father but he can’t help it this time, the years of anger and pain and humiliation all bubbling up at once. “I want  _ friends _ ,” he yells. “I want-” he cuts himself off but his father knows him better than anyone for the most part.

“A girlfriend?” Gai’s eyes fill with tears again and he’s crying into his knees once more. “Ah, Gai, Son, you don’t need to worry about that now. You’re still plenty young. A girl will come along who loves you for you.”

Gai can’t take it anymore. He can’t take this feeling of shame and embarrassment and self-hatred. “I don’t want a girlfriend,” he mumbles into his knees.

His father doesn’t say anything. In fact, he turns very still. Gai hiccups and peeks up from his knees. Dai is looking at him but it’s not a look of disgust like Gai had half expected. It’s a look of remorse and love and sympathy.

“Oh, Gai…” Dai reaches out, pulls his son closer to him. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to hide yourself from me.”

Gai hiccups again, wiping at his face as he cuddles closer to his father. His arms feel safe and strong around him. “So, you’re not disappointed?”

Dai pushes away to look Gai in the eyes, brows furrowed in seriousness. “I could never be disappointed in you, Gai. Don’t ever think that I could. You make me proud every single day.”

Gai’s eyes fill with tears again and he buries his face into his dad’s chest, crying softly there. “I don’t like being like this.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Gai.”

“You never hear of shinobi being with people of their own gender.”

Dai sighs, his breath ruffling Gai’s hair. “No, not very often but there are some. In fact, there were two kunoichis that were friends with your mother when we were kids. They dated each other for a little while.”

“What happened?” Gai asks.

Dai is quiet for a few seconds, hand rubbing comfortingly along Gai’s back. “One of them died on a mission.”

Gai’s shoulders sag. “Mom’s?”

“Yeah…” After a few mournful seconds of silence, Dai taps Gai’s back, pulling away again. “It’s okay to feel this way, Gai.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive. There is nothing wrong with you and if anyone ever tells you otherwise, well, then you have my permission to punch them.” Dai ends his sentence with a wide smile and a nod.

Gai smiles up at his father. “Thank you, Dad. I think I feel a little better now.”

“Good,” he says but doesn’t get up like Gai had thought he might. Instead, he frowns down at Gai, reaching up to tuck some of Gai’s hair behind his ear. “Did someone say something to you, Gai? About wanting a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend?”

Gai shakes his head. “No one else knows.”

Dai nods, looking towards Gai’s bedroom door contemplatively. “Is it Kakashi?” He looks back at Gai. “The one you like?” Gai looks away and down at his bedspread. “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me but, it’s kind of…”

“Obvious?” Gai supplies the word and sighs. “I really like him, Dad.”

“I take it he doesn’t feel the same?”

Gai shakes his head. “He has a girlfriend.”

Dai sighs and stands. “Come on, it’s time to eat.” He makes it to Gai’s doorway before he realizes Gai isn’t following. He turns back around and peers at Gai. “There will be other Kakashis who do love you, Gai.”

Gai isn’t so sure about that but he does get up and follow his father to the table to eat anyway.

*~~~*

A few days later, Gai’s father dies.

And a few days after that, Gai stands in his dad’s room, trying to figure out what to do with all his stuff and not cry for the millionth time. It’s been a few days since the funeral — only Gai had shown up — and he figures it’s about time he makes some sort of plan even if he doesn’t know what those should be. He’s never been truly on his own before.

Chōza-sensei showed up at the house after the funeral to check on him and then the following days, Ebisu and Genma came by, and then Asuma and Kurenai. The one person Gai wished would show up never did, though, which only made Gai more depressed. He didn’t leave the house in those days, despite Kurenai and Chōza-sensei’s offers.

He’s just about to pick up a photo of his father, mother, and himself off his father’s nightstand when he hears the front door open. Gai runs down the stairs to see who it is. His neighbors have been leaving him a lot of food and he doesn’t know how to politely turn them down. However, if he sees another bowl of rice being handed off to him, he might just scream.

There, standing in the middle of his kitchen, is Kakashi.

“Kakashi!” Gai moves closer. “You should have knocked.”

“Sorry.” Kakashi looks around the room. “I wanted to come to see if you were okay.”

“It’s been five days, Kakashi,” Gai says, not hiding the hurt in his voice like he normally would.

Kakashi shrugs. “I know.” He walks over to the table, hands shoved into his pockets, and sits down in a chair. “When my… well, I know I didn’t want any company right after… you know.”

Gai stares at him and realizes he’s right. Gai hadn’t wanted the company but just tolerated it to be polite. It’s one of the reasons why he kept refusing to go anywhere with Kurenai and Chōza-sensei. He goes and plops into a chair opposite Kakashi, not bothering to try and have perfect posture. “Thanks for coming, Kakashi,” he says quietly.

They sit there for a long time in the silence of the room, with Kakashi’s eye on him and Gai’s eyes on the table. The longer the silence drags on, however, the more thoughts of his father fill his head and tears start to pool in his eyes. Kakashi stands abruptly and Gai almost expects him to leave — he’s never been one for emotional things — but instead, he goes over to the stove, grabs the teapot, fills it with water, and starts heating it up. “Where do you keep the tea?”

Gai sniffles and wipes at his eyes. They hurt from all his crying. “In the top cabinet.”

Kakashi reaches up but can’t quite get to it — he’s really short for his age — so Gai stands and goes to help, reaching up over Kakashi, his chest bumping into Kakashi’s back. Once Gai has got the tea, Kakashi grabs it and ushers Gai to go sit back down. A few minutes later, the two of them have steaming cups of tea in front of them.

It’s not very often Gai gets to see Kakashi with his mask down but as Kakashi sips his drink, he does nothing to try to hide his face. Gai feels honored to be one of the few people, if not the only person, to have seen Kakashi’s real face. It’s a face that he’ll never forget. Kakashi truly is magnificent.

Gai clears his throat. “How are you and Mayumi?” he asks, realizing just now that she would have seen Kakashi’s face as well. Gai doesn’t feel as special anymore.

“We broke up.”

“What?” Gai asks, surprised.

“She lied, Gai.” Kakashi is looking bashful, something Gai doesn’t see too often on Kakashi’s face. “We never had sex.”

A heaviness that had been pushing down on Gai’s chest ever since he found out Kakashi had a girlfriend — and only made worse with his father passing — lifts a little. He can’t hold back the smile that forms on his face so he redirects.

“Oh!” He gets up, running to his room and grabbing something off of his nightstand, and then running back downstairs to Kakashi. “I still have this.” He holds out the book Kakashi had thrown at him last week. “I thought you would want it back.”

Kakashi looks at it, then to Gai, then looks away shyly — and Gai  _ does not _ think it’s adorable, no he doesn’t! — and reaches out to grab the book.

“Thanks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? Me changing the structure of Dai and Gai's house to fit the needs of the story? Never. ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading! Next chapter will be posted on 11/18/2020!
> 
> [Tumblr](https://angelcamael.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Fanfiction Tumblr](https://lopithecusfanfiction.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is reposted because I didn't realize that when you draft a chapter and then post it, it backdates to when you drafted it instead of when you posted it which was irritating.

Gai is sixteen when he first has sex with another male. It happens when he’s going home from a mission and he stops in a small village to get something to eat. Another very handsome man sits beside him at the sushi bar and before Gai knows it, they are flirting with each other. Gai would be surprised that someone had actually looked at him like that,  _ wanted _ him like that, if he hadn't dedicated the best part of the last two years in getting his physique built up and in shape.

Their flirting leads to kissing and the kissing leads to groping until the other guy is asking Gai if he wants to go back to his apartment, telling him that his parents aren’t home at the moment. Gai agrees hastily and the other boy — Gai learns his name is Arashi — leads the way. Once they’re at his apartment and inside, they start kissing again, stumbling up to Arashi’s bedroom.

It’s not a bad experience and in fact Gai enjoyed himself a lot. It felt good, if not a little awkward with it being Gai’s first time and all, but it was nice and exciting and really hot. The only thing that really dampened the whole thing was Gai’s inability to relax. As a shinobi, you’re trained to be on alert twenty-four-seven and on alert Gai was. He was prepared at every poke and prod, every sweep of the tongue and teeth, for Arashi to attack him.

It made relaxing hard, even after they finished.

Gai jumps out of the bed, gets dressed, and bids his companion goodbye. Arashi frowns at his suddenness but doesn’t ask for him to stay or touch him again. He does ask if Gai is okay — he knew it was Gai’s first time — and Gai assures Arashi that he is perfectly fine. After that, he rushes out the door and continues on his way home.

When he gets home — a small apartment that he’s been living in ever since his father died — he drops his bag at the door and immediately takes a shower. While in there, he wonders what Kakashi would think about him having had sex but then remembers Kakashi doesn’t like talking about that stuff because it’s “none of his business.” Plus, Kakashi doesn’t know he’s gay yet so that would be a problem in and of itself if Gai were to tell him what happened. Besides, it’s not like Gai would have won this particular — unsaid — competition anyway. He’s sure, at sixteen, Kakashi would have had sex with a woman by now. After all, there’s no denying the fact that everyone wants a piece of Kakashi.

That night, as Gai lies in bed, he thinks about Arashi and how he wishes it could have been Kakashi instead.

At least then he might have been able to relax.

*~~~*

Gai is walking beside Kakashi — he’s gone through a growth spurt and has almost reached the same height as Gai now — trying to convince him to join Gai on a challenge. Ever since Kakashi joined the ABNU, he’s been really busy and doesn’t have as much time to hang out and do challenges with Gai. So, now Gai will take them wherever and whenever he can, trying to cherish the time they have together.

He really misses Kakashi.

“K… Kakashi-kun?” Gai stops in the middle of his speech about how important it is to get their blood pumping during their youth, when a shy girl comes up to them. Kakashi barely gives her any attention. It’s another thing Gai has been noticing lately, ever since Kakashi joined the ANBU; just how cold Kakashi has gotten. “I was… um… wondering if you would like to go out with me?”

“No.”

The girl’s eyes grow wide, her face turns beet red, and she turns away so quickly Gai is almost concerned she gave herself whiplash. Kakashi carries on walking and Gai watches from the distance as the girl joins her friends and cries. They pat her back, no doubt telling her how much of a loser Kakashi is. Gai sighs and catches up to his friend who has now pulled out his book.

“Why’d you turn her down? She’s pretty,” Gai comments, looking back at the girl in worry. He hopes her self-esteem wasn’t too damaged by that blatant rejection of Kakashi’s.

“If you thought she was so pretty, then why don’t you go ask her out,” Kakashi says, not looking up from his book.

“You could have been a bit more gentle,” Gai mumbles before what Kakashi actually said registers in his head. When it does, it stops him in his tracks. “What?”

Kakashi stops walking too, lowering his book and looking back at him. “You should ask her out.”

Gai laughs because he isn’t really sure how he is supposed to respond to Kakashi trying to set him up. “Yeah right, Kakashi.”

Kakashi walks back up to him, putting his book away. “I’m being serious, Gai. Have you even ever been on a date?” Gai swallows, feeling uneasy. He shifts from one foot to the other. “That’s what I thought.”

“Hey,” Gai retorts, pointing an accusatory finger at Kakashi. “If I recall, you got really angry with me when I butted into  _ your _ love life.”

Kakashi rolls his eyes. “I was fourteen.”

“Thirteen.”

“My birthday was in a month, Gai.” Kakashi shakes his head but Gai can hear the amusement in his voice and see the small smile playing at his lips by the slight raise of Kakashi’s cheek.

Gai looks back at the girl who is now staring daggers at them. “Did you even know her? It would be kind of odd that she just went up to you to ask that without knowing you first.”

“I did.” Kakashi shrugs when Gai’s attention is back on him. “We went on a month long mission with a couple others a few months back.”

“And you didn’t like her?”

“She was boring.”

Gai’s eyes narrow. “Have you ever realized how cruel you can be?”

Kakashi rolls his eyes again, this time shaking his head in annoyance, and starting to walk away. “Let’s go back to your love life.”

“I’d rather we didn’t,” Gai grumbles under his breath as he catches up to Kakashi.

“So, are there any girls you like?” Kakashi asks as Gai falls in step beside him. “I’m sure there’s some that are attracted to you, especially now with how you look.”

“Oh, you mean this?” Gai strikes a pose, curling his arm up to show off his bicep muscles. He gives Kakashi a wide, blinding smile. “I worked hard for these, Kakashi!”

Kakashi is trying to hold back a smile, Gai can tell. “I know.”

Gai pats his abdomen. “And these.”

Kakashi snorts, looking away and then back at Gai from the corner of his eye. “I  _ know _ ,” he says, sounding annoyed but with no real venom behind it. “Anyway, what do you say? You up to getting yourself a girlfriend?” Gai’s smile falls but Kakashi doesn’t seem to notice, his nose stuck back in his book. “We can even make it into a challenge if you want. See who can convince the girl you like to go out with you first.”

“Actually, Kakashi…” Gai starts quietly, feeling nervous. He stops and Kakashi stops a couple of paces ahead of him. He looks back at Gai, lowering the book once more. Gai stares at it, wonders if Kakashi is getting annoyed with how many times he’s had to stop reading it so far, and then swallows. “There’s something I need to tell you.” He looks around. He wishes the street was empty.

“Come on.” Kakashi places a hand on his shoulder, as if being able to read Gai like one of his books. Maybe he can. “Let’s go somewhere quieter.”

They go to that same park they found themselves at years ago when Gai asked Kakashi whether or not he had had sex with Mayumi. Just like then, it’s deserted, it being too late at night for any kids to be playing out here. Kakashi waits patiently beside him and for a brief millisecond, Gai thinks Kakashi would make a great teacher because of his patience. But then Gai thinks about how coldly Kakashi had turned down that girl and changes his mind.

Gai fidgets, not unlike before during the last time he found himself on this bench. Kakashi is looking at him, waiting, and Gai swallows, shifts, and looks back at his best friend. It’s now or never.

“There’s something I’ve been hiding from you,” Gai starts.

Kakashi looks confused. “You? Hiding something?”

“I’m serious, Kakashi.” Kakashi’s face immediately turns to concern and worry. Gai swallows again. “I don’t want a girlfriend.” Kakashi’s eyebrows furrow even more. “I want… I want a boyfriend. I’m gay, Kakashi.”

Kakashi’s face morphs into a perfect neutral and it’s a little unsettling how easily Kakashi can manage such a thing. He doesn’t say anything, just looks at Gai with no emotions whatsoever. It feels like ages before any of them make a sound, Gai sitting there as he fidgets, and Kakashi stalk still.

Finally, Kakashi says, “Are you sure?”

It takes Gai by such surprise that he doesn’t even know how to respond. “W… What?”

Kakashi finally becomes animated, moving his eyes to not look at him. He backs up a little and Gai tries to pretend he didn’t notice. “Well, how can you be sure if you’ve never been with a girl before?”

Gai is stunned. He never, in a million years, would have thought he’d hear his  _ best friend _ , the one who was supposed to support him in everything, say something like that. Gai swallows, trying to stamp down on the anger that is building up in his throat. “I’m pretty sure, Kakashi,” Gai states as neutrally as he can possibly manage.

Kakashi shrugs, his eyes finally meeting Gai’s. “How though? Maybe if you tried dating a girl first you would-”

“Don’t!” Gai stands. Kakashi is looking at him, confusion very apparent on his face but Gai is angry and hurt and doesn’t really care. He jabs a finger at Kakashi. “You don’t see me asking you if you know you're straight despite never being with another man.” He scowls, poking Kakashi hard on the chest despite the ANBU vest protecting him. “You’re supposed to be my friend, Kakashi. You’re-You’re supposed to  _ support  _ me, not question me and deny my feelings.” Gai straightens where he had bent over to poke Kakashi, shaking his head in disappointment. Without another word, he turns and starts to leave.

He ignores the sound of Kakashi getting up quickly and his footsteps rushing behind him to catch up. “Gai, wait, I’m-”

“Fuck you, Kakashi!” he yells back, not stopping or turning around. He’s not usually one to swear but he’s having a hard time controlling his anger at the moment.

When he doesn’t hear Kakashi following him anymore nor does he sense him anywhere near him, he goes to the training yard. By the time he’s done getting out all his anger, the place is destroyed.

*~~~*

There’s a light knock on his door, waking Gai up. He looks over at the clock, sees that it’s only three o’clock in the morning, and groans. He’s an early riser but not this early. The knock sounds again, a little harder this time, and Gai gets up to answer it before his neighbors complain.

He almost shuts the door in Kakashi’s face as soon as he sees it’s him. Well, actually, he would have shut it in Kakashi’s face if Kakashi hadn't shoved his foot inside to stop it. Gai opens the door wider, allowing Kakashi to come into the apartment. Shutting the door behind him, they both walk into the small kitchen, Kakashi immediately sitting at the table.

“Do you want some tea?” Gai asks, reaching for the tea kettle.

“Thanks.” Kakashi has got his hands clasped together but his thumbs are fiddling with each other nervously. He’s also covered in sweat, as if he’d just run a marathon or had been out training.

Neither of them speak until they are both sitting at the table, tea in hand. “What do you want? It’s late,” Gai starts.

“I know.” Kakashi is holding his cup, staring at the tea and not drinking.

“If you aren’t going to say anything, Kakashi, you’re welcome to leave.” He stands, getting ready to go back to his room.

Kakashi stops him. “Gai wait.” Gai looks at him, sees the desperation there, sighs, and then sits back down. “I’m sorry,” Kakashi says, looking and sounding genuine. “I didn’t realize what I was saying would hurt you.”

Gai isn’t used to having these kinds of heart to hearts with Kakashi. Usually, it’s all one sided on Gai’s part. He looks down at the table, digging at a scratch on the wooden surface. “It did… hurt I mean.” He shrugs. “I thought you’d support me.”

“I do.”

“Do you? Because the way you made it out, it didn’t seem like it.”

Kakashi shakes his head. “I was just confused. I’m not… great with these things, Gai. You know that.”

Gai scowls. “And that gives you an excuse to be an ass?”

“No, it doesn’t.” He shrugs. “But that’s why I’ve got you. To keep me in line.”

Gai shakes his head adamantly. “Not with this, Kakashi. What you said…”

Kakashi slouches, all strength seeming to leave his shoulders. “I really am sorry, Gai. I see now that I was wrong.” Kakashi shifts his weight, avoids eye contact. “You don’t need to date to know who you’re attracted to.” There’s something wrong there, something wrong with Kakashi, something he’s hiding but Gai can’t pinpoint what it is. He opens his mouth to ask but Kakashi speaks again before he can. “Do you forgive me? I’d hate to lose my rival.”

Gai stares at him, decides to leave whatever is bothering Kakashi alone for now, and sighs. He goes back to picking at the scratch on the table, feeling his cheeks warm pink in bashfulness. “Of course, I do, Kakashi. You’re my  _ eternal  _ rival… and best friend.”

He doesn’t even have to look to know there’s a small smile on Kakashi’s face. Kakashi places his hand on top of Gai’s, stilling his picking. When Gai peers up at him, Kakashi’s cheek is pink and his eye is shining with some kind of emotion Gai can’t read.

“You’re going to ruin the table.”

*~~~*

It’s not like telling Kakashi that he is interested in men made Gai think that things would change between Kakashi and him, but for some reason, something felt like it had shifted anyway.

“Does anyone else know?” Kakashi asks him. He’s been sitting under a tree, staring at Gai as he does five hundred push ups, for the last two hours. His book is resting in the crook of his crossed legs, completely forgotten. Gai’s been trying to ignore the piercing look Kakashi’s been giving him. “That you’re gay?”

Gai pauses on an upward push, sweat dripping off his face and landing on the ground. He eyes Kakashi suspiciously. “No, just you.”

Kakashi looks bored as he continues to stare, eye half lidded. Gai wishes he knew what was going on in Kakashi’s head. Kakashi has just come back from an ANBU mission and since then, he hasn’t left Gai’s side. Gai wonders what was so bad that happened during the mission, that it’s caused Kakashi to hold on close to Gai for the time being. Kakashi had been gone for days.

Gai had started to miss him.

He hates Kakashi being in the ANBU.

“Do you want others to know?” Kakashi asks, suddenly, snapping Gai out of his thoughts.

He’s still in the position of mid-push up, weight bearing down on his shaky arms. He lowers himself slowly, giving time for thought. He pushes up.

Three hundred and forty-seven.

“I don’t know,” he answers truthfully. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt my reputation any more than it already is.”

“Do you still think people view you like that?” Kakashi asks. His book is still lying in his lap. It’s a new edition.

Gai sits up and crosses his legs, sitting much the same as Kakashi. They face each other, Kakashi’s face pulled into that perfect tired look of his and Gai trying to muster up the energy to not look bothered. “The other day, someone told me I should have given up trying to be a shinobi like my dad did.”

“You shouldn’t let people talk about your dad like that,” Kakashi grumbles, fingers rubbing at the cover of his book. “He’s dead. He can’t defend himself anymore.”

“He never defended himself in the first place,” Gai mumbles but Kakashi ignores him.

“I don’t understand people,” he continues, eye looking up through the tree branches and to the sky. “They should just give up on taunting you.”

Gai laughs. He’s used to the way people treat him by now. “It doesn’t bother me anymore, Kakashi.”

“Then why are you hiding yourself?” Kakashi’s eye lands on Gai once more.

Gai shrugs. “I… don’t know.” He pulls up some grass by accident when he curls his hands into fists. He drops them and Kakashi watches. “They laugh at me, you know? When I’m running a thousand laps around the village or when I’m doing five hundred laps on my hands-”

“That’s because it’s ridiculous.”

“-but it doesn’t bother me. Them laughing at me when I’m working hard to better myself doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. But them laughing because I’m gay… I have a feeling it would feel different.” He chuckles and smiles at Kakashi. “My dad said that if anyone gave me a hard time for liking men, that I would have his permission to punch them.”

Kakashi is smiling, eye crinkling at the sides. Gai’s heart squeezes in affection. Making Kakashi smile will always be his ultimate goal.

“Dai was smart,” Kakashi comments before his face turns serious again. “I’ll punch them with you.”

Gai doesn’t reach out and hug Kakashi like he wants to — he knows it wouldn’t be welcomed right now, not after whatever happened on his mission — but he does smile at him, conveying all his thanks into that one gesture. “Well, with you in my corner, I suppose I have nothing to fear.”

Kakashi nods once, smiling back at Gai. He then picks up his book and goes back to reading. He looks peaceful for once, which Gai appreciates.

Gai watches him for a few seconds, chest warm and happy, before getting back into position and continuing to do his push ups, enjoying the silent company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Next chapter will be posted 11/25/2020
> 
> [Tumblr](https://angelcamael.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Fanfiction Tumblr](https://lopithecusfanfiction.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a warning, this is a bit of a heavy chapter. It deals with Kakashi’s ANBU days a bit more than the last chapter and we all know how dark it got at that time. With that being said, this is the chapter that the M rating is for. Kakashi and Gai’s relationship is a bit toxic this chapter but don’t worry, it gets much better after this.
> 
> Bit of a longer chapter because there was a lot of shit that needed working through.
> 
> Please enjoy!

Gai has sex for the second time when he’s eighteen and it’s with a thirty year old man. As soon as they're done he regrets it and gets out of there as fast as he can. It’s not that the man was mean or rough or anything like that. In fact, he was very sweet and attentive and made sure every second he got, that Gai was okay with what they were doing. At the time, Gai was but by the end, it made him feel gross and desperate and he had to get away before throwing up. It probably didn’t help any that he had told the man he was twenty-six years old.

Once he is able to, he finds Kakashi and drags him back to his apartment despite Kakashi’s unwillingness. It’s been hard to interact with Kakashi lately, the ANBU starting to take a toll on Kakashi’s psyche. It’s been a constant thing Gai’s been worrying about and maybe that’s why he felt the need to sleep with some random thirty year old, to try and get himself to relax or, at the very least, distract himself from his worries.

They sit on Gai’s bed, both of them cross legged, as Gai retells the story to Kakashi, sparing the man any explicit details. He doesn’t need to scar his poor, dear friend after all. When he’s done, he can feel his face is red and hot but he steals himself and refuses to look away from Kakashi’s shocked face. He waits for Kakashi to say something and it feels like hours before he actually does.

“I didn’t know you were sexually active.”

It’s not what Gai thought Kakashi would lead with. “I’m eighteen, Kakashi.”

Kakashi’s eye diverts to the side, avoiding looking at Gai. “That doesn’t mean anything.”

It takes a minute for Gai to figure out what Kakashi is talking about. “Wait a minute! Have you never had sex?” Kakashi’s face lights up red and he turns and ducks his head away. A face splitting smile breaks out on Gai. “I can’t believe I beat you with something like this!” he bellows. “I would have definitely thought you’d have sex before me!”

“Well, I haven’t. Stop laughing,” Kakashi snaps and he actually does sound pretty mad, making Gai sober quickly.

“Hey, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” he reassures. “It's okay that you haven’t.”

“So was it good?” Kakashi asks abruptly, changing the topic back to Gai, and giving Gai a pointed look that says he better drop the other subject or suffer the consequences.

Gai shrugs. “It was okay, I guess. I mean, it was just sex.”

“I hear having sex with someone older than you is better because they’re more experienced.”

“Where the hell did you hear that?” Kakashi shrugs. “Oh God, please tell me it’s not from one of your books.” Kakashi winks at him and Gai groans, covering up his face, that is  _ yet again _ flushed red, with both his hands.

He can hear Kakashi laughing in front of him and if his embarrassment warrants that reaction, then Gai will gladly get embarrassed a thousand times over. It’s been way too long since he’s heard Kakashi laugh. It’s been too long since they’ve sat like this and talked. It’s been a long time for a lot of things when it comes to Kakashi.

Gai lowers his hands and shoves Kakashi playfully. “God, Kakashi, those books are awful representations of real life.”

Kakashi shrugs again. “I know.” They both huff a laugh and then the room falls silent once more. A few minutes pass before Kakashi speaks again. “So, why did you regret it? He didn’t force himself on you did he?”

“No, he didn’t,” Gai reassures and then shrugs. “I don’t know. It made me feel… dirty.”

Kakashi gives him a look, a look that says Gai is being ridiculous. “Why would it? Sleeping with an older man only means you’re a pervert.”

“I’m not a pervert, Kakashi!” Gai says quickly, his whole body turning warm with embarrassment. “It was only my second time!”

Kakashi perks at that, his eye going wide. “Second time? When was your first?”

Gai shrugs again. “When I was sixteen… before I told you about being gay.”

“Oh…” Kakashi slouches, looking down towards the bed. Gai feels like he’s hurt Kakashi somehow but he isn’t sure what would be so hurtful about what he said. He goes to ask when Kakashi cuts him off, perking back up with a mischievous look in his eye. “Was he also a thirty year old man?”

Gai throws a pillow at him, hitting Kakashi square in the face. “It was another sixteen year old kid, Kakashi, gross!”

Kakashi’s laughing, holding the pillow that Gai had thrown at him in his lap, and Gai is confused by the sudden change but figures it’s okay to move on if Kakashi is. Gai watches as Kakashi’s shoulders shake with his laughter, his one visible eye crinkling. He has to stop himself from reaching out and pulling the man closer, from kissing Kakashi all over that beautiful face of his, to make him laugh like that for an eternity.

Something lodges itself in Gai’s throat and swallowing doesn’t make it go away. “I want you to leave ANBU.”

Kakashi abruptly stops laughing, looking at Gai with an unreadable expression on his face. Gai used to be able to read his facial expressions with ease. Now it’s getting harder and harder or maybe Kakashi is getting better and better at showing no emotions whatsoever. They stare at each other for God knows how long, before Kakashi sighs heavily and shakes his head.

“Let’s not get into this, Gai.”

Gai reaches out, can’t help it because now Kakashi looks sad and distant and… dead. “Kakashi…”

“Don’t.” Kakashi stands from the bed, avoiding Gai’s touch, and goes over to Gai’s open window.

“Please don’t leave,” and Gai hates how desperate his own voice sounds.

Kakashi places a hand on Gai’s window frame. He doesn’t look back at Gai as he replies. “I have to.”

Then he’s gone, out of Gai’s sight.

*~~~*

“Come on, he’s Asuma’s friend so you already know you can trust him. Right Asuma?” Kurenai asks Asuma, who is currently sitting next to her and across from Gai at the dango restaurant. Asuma nods, his mouth stuffed with one of the dangos. Gai hasn’t even touched his. His worry for Kakashi has been making him sick lately, causing his stomach to clench painfully in nerves and nausea. “Come on, just one date, Gai.”

Asuma swallows and takes a drink of his tea. “He actually really wants to meet you.”

“See!” Kurenai says excitedly, gesturing towards Gai. “It’s about time you get out and start dating people, Gai.”

Gai gives the two pointed looks, knowing full well the two are secretly dating each other but saying, “What about you two? You should get out and date too.” anyway to try and make them back off.

Kurenai’s cheeks immediately turn red and Asuma looks away in embarrassment. “Wow, you’re unusually grumpy today,” Kurenai notes, plopping a dango in her mouth.

“It’s because Kakashi has been gone for over three months now,” Asuma mentions, drinking his tea.

Kurenai sighs, taking a sip of her own tea. “Don’t you think it’s time to get over your little crush on Kakashi?”

“I don’t like him like that,” Gai says, resting his head in the palm of his hand and watching the entrance of the restaurant. A couple with their young child steps in, the little girl smiling widely and sing-songing dango, dango, dango.

Kurenai shakes her head, amusement coloring her features. “Deny it all you want Gai, but you don’t exactly hide it well.”

“Like you two?” he snaps, standing. His stool scrapes across the floor loudly and his hands land on the table with a loud thud. The entire restaurant falls silent, all eyes on them — the little girl is no longer singing — and Gai bows his head. He breathes out a calming breath and says with a carefully controlled tone, “I’m sorry for snapping. I have to go.”

Kurenai calls after him, apparently not having been deterred by his outburst. “Just think about it, Gai!”

He ignores her and heads towards Kakashi’s apartment. He’s been going there every night to check and see if Kakashi has returned — if he returns — and each night he’s been let down by a vacant apartment. Once he’s there and finds it empty, he’ll usually dust the place and water kakashi’s one plant; a half dead cactus that is on its last legs. He doesn’t expect tonight to be any different.

Crawling through the window slowly, he senses something different. Looking around the bedroom, he notices a light shining through the bottom of the bathroom door. He can also hear the water running from inside the room.

Gai silently moves towards the bathroom, getting ready to fight whatever intruder dared to enter Kakashi’s apartment. Swinging the door open, he’s just about to jump into a kick when he stops short at the sight that is presented to him.

Kakashi.

Standing in the middle of the bathroom.

Washing blood off himself.

Gai’s heart jumps into his throat and beats rapidly. “Kakashi!” he says in alarm, causing the other man to jump. Gai doesn’t give him much time to say anything. He’s already rushing up to his friend and going to grab him to check him for any serious wounds.

Kakashi backs away from him. “Gai? What the hell are you doing here?” Gai reaches for him again — shit, his hands are shaking. “Don’t touch me!” Kakashi backs up again, his back hitting the wall. “Jeez, calm the fuck down, Gai.” Gai stands in his spot, flabbergasted. “It’s not my blood.”

Not his blood…

Then…

Then whose blood is it?

And why is there so much of it?

Gai’s stomach clenches and he has to swallow against the feeling of needing to throw up. “Okay,” he says slowly. “Okay.”

Kakashi’s eyebrow raises. “Are you just going to repeat yourself?” Gai blinks at him. He sounds cold. Kakashi rolls his eye and throws the bloody towel at him. It hits Gai in the face and falls to the floor. “Go away.” Gai swallows thickly again. If he opens his mouth, he’s afraid of what might come out — whether physically or a noise that will be definitely mocked by Kakashi. Kakashi takes a threatening step towards him. Gai takes a step back. “Get. Out.”

Gai nods silently and turns around. He makes it all the way to the bathroom door, bites his bottom lip until he bleeds, and feels the pin pricks of tears filling his eyes. He turns back around. “Let me help.”

“What?” Kakashi asks him, sharp and angry.

“Let me help you.” Gai blinks. A tear streaks down his cheek. He wipes it away. “Clean the blood, I mean.”

Kakashi stares at him, anger shining in his eye. It makes Gai’s body feel cold and he curls his hands into fists, allowing his fingernails to dig into his palms painfully. They stay like that for what feels like an eternity but eventually Kakashi sighs and holds out a new rag. “Here.”

Gai licks his lips, tasting the metallic flavoring of blood, and steps forward, grabbing the rag and wetting it. He drags it over Kakashi’s body with shaky hands. As he goes, Kakashi’s unnaturally stiff muscles start to relax and unwind until Kakashi is sagging where he stands, shoulders hunched in exhaustion. Gai finishes cleaning him and then drags him out to Kakashi’s bedroom, not bothering to turn the light on. The light from the moon is enough to see anyway. Kakashi immediately falls onto the bed, still wearing his ANBU outfit.

Gai eyes him, contemplates his next move, and makes a decision. Kakashi can be dangerous when he’s in this mood but Gai can handle him. Gai is probably the only one who can. He digs around in Kakashi’s drawers and pulls out a regular sweatshirt and sweatpants. He goes over to the bed, holding them up for Kakashi to see but the other man is staring off into space and pays no attention.

“I’m going to change you,” Gai tells him and gets to work. The ANBU outfit is trickier to figure out than he had anticipated but after twenty minutes of agonizing over it, he finally figures it out. He pulls the outfit off and slips Kakashi’s pants on, pointedly keeping his eyes anywhere but on Kakashi. Next, he switches his shirt, lifting Kakashi up into a sitting position for easier access. Once done, he sits down next to Kakashi, who sits on the side of his bed, staring at the floor. The air in the room is thick and stuffy and it makes Gai’s heart beat hard in his chest. His stomach flips, once, twice.

Gai feels like he’s suffocating.

“Do you want anything to eat?” Kakashi shakes his head. “What about to drink? You should probably have some water.” Gai goes to get up when Kakashi grabs a hold of his wrist and pulls him down roughly. He then rests his forehead down on Gai’s shoulder, keeping a death grip on Gai’s wrist. It hurts but Gai doesn’t complain. “Kakashi?”

“Thank you, Gai,” Kakashi mumbles and then lifts his head where Gai can see just how tired he looks. But there’s also that very small lift in his cheek that Gai hasn’t seen in forever that indicates that Kakashi is giving him the smallest smile ever.

Gai doesn’t know what comes over him and it’s very,  _ very _ bad timing considering the mental state that Kakashi is currently in but there’s something shining in Kakashi’s eye, something that is compelling Gai to lean forward and press a soft, gentle kiss onto Kakashi’s masked covered mouth.

For the briefest of seconds, Gai thinks maybe everything will be okay again.

Then he feels the instant Kakashi’s entire body stiffens.

He also feels the instant Kakashi’s fist slams into the side of his face, knocking him to the side.

Kakashi is off the bed in an instant, pure unadulterated rage radiating from him and now shining in his eye, replacing whatever emotion was there before. Gai reaches up to his nose which is now bleeding and looks back at his friend. “What the fuck was that?” Kakashi yells at him and Gai never realized Kakashi swore so much. Or maybe that’s a more recent development.

Gai stands, still cupping his nose to keep blood from spilling everywhere. He holds up his other hand, palm out to try and calm Kakashi. “I’m sorry. I didn’t… I-I thought… I’m sorry.” Kakashi’s eye is narrowed dangerously and for the first time ever in Gai’s life, a little fear forms in his chest towards Kakashi.

“Don’t  _ ever _ touch me like that again,” Kakashi growls and Gai swallows. Kakashi points to his window. “Get out. Now! And if you even  _ think  _ about staying or coming back here, so help me God, Gai, a punch will be the  _ least _ of your problems” When Gai doesn’t move — it’s in his nature to challenge Kakashi — Kakashi takes a step closer and Gai backs up. His shins knock into the bed, tripping him, and he falls down onto it. Kakashi is so angry, he’s breathing heavily.

“Kakashi-”

“I said leave!” Kakashi raises a fist and Gai, not meaning to, flinches and closes his eyes, preparing himself for the impact. If this is what Kakashi needs to get his anger out from all those years in ANBU — because Kakashi,  _ his  _ Kakashi, the real one, wouldn’t be acting like this just because Gai briefly kissed him, he’s sure of this. Kakashi wouldn’t hurt him. This isn’t Kakashi. It isn’t. It isn’t. It isn’t! — then he will gladly take every punch and kick without putting up a fight.

Only the punch and the kicks never come and when Gai opens his eyes, Kakashi has tears rolling down his face and the other man falls to his knees. He slots himself in between Gai’s legs and wraps his arms around Gai’s waist, burying his face into Gai’s stomach, and just  _ sobs _ .

Gai hesitantly places a shaky hand in his friend’s hair and strokes the locks there, like his father would do when Gai was upset. They sit there silently, Gai petting Kakashi cautiously and Kakashi holding him as tightly as possible and getting Gai’s jumpsuit wet with tears and snot. He cries so hard and for so long, that Kakashi starts hiccuping.

Gai’s heart is pounding painfully in his chest.

Kakashi peers up at Gai, his whole body shaking with the effort of his cries, eye glistening, and tears pouring down the right side of his face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll never hurt you again. I promise. I’m sorry, Gai. Please… Please forgive me. I won’t hurt you again,” he begs and Gai is feeling stunned at seeing such a side from Kakashi. He’s never seen the man so… broken.

Bile rises up into his throat as his stomach clenches violently with the overwhelmingness of the situation — he can’t breathe and his chest hurts — and he has no choice but to push Kakashi gently away — a sound of anguish leaves Kakashi’s mouth at losing hold of Gai — and rush to the bathroom, slamming the door shut, and throwing up into the toilet. He pants into it heavily, his own tears rolling down the bridge of his nose, and dripping off. Gai starts to hiccup as he cries convulsively, trying hard not to.

He throws up again, the burn irritating his throat, and his shoulders shake with his crying. He leans an arm over the toilet seat and rests his forehead on it, gritting his teeth and squeezing his eyes shut. Waves of nausea roll through him as he sits there on the floor, head bowed. His stomach clenches again, he coughs, choking on his dry throat, and he tries to not throw up again.

Gai doesn’t know how long he sits there, how long he cries for, but eventually the nausea stops even if the awful tightness is still there. He sits back from the toilet, still hiccupping, and pushes himself up, flushing the toilet. He heads over to the sink and looks at himself in the mirror.

His eyes are red and puffy, tears still making them glisten before rolling down his cheeks. His mouth is covered in blood from the nose bleed and his nose is already swollen and little purple. Gai touches it, hisses, but he doesn’t think it’s broken. Kakashi probably didn’t have a good enough angle and leverage to really strike using his full strength. His hair is also in a complete disarray.

Sniffling again, Gai washes his hands and then uses a wet rag to wipe the blood and tears away. When he blinks, more tears fall, but then he wipes at his eyes, sniffling once more, and takes a deep breath to calm himself. It won’t do either of them good if he can’t get his emotions under check. He throws the rag into the pile that he had left after cleaning Kakashi up. Looking at himself once more in the mirror, Gai closes his eyes, takes five deep breaths, opens his eyes again, and wipes at his cheeks with his hands one more time for good measure. Then, he turns, and heads out of the bathroom.

Kakashi is still sitting by the bed on his knees, his arms folded on top of it with his face buried in them. Gai half expected Kakashi to be gone, running away from the problem like he sometimes did. He doesn’t know whether he should be pleased that Kakashi is still there or wish he had gone. Gai isn’t sure if he wants, or has the energy, to do this tonight. At least it looks like Kakashi has stopped crying too.

When Gai sniffles, Kakashi flinches. Gai gets down on the floor, far from Kakashi, and sits on his shins. He hesitates before speaking but it doesn’t seem like Kakashi will be starting the conversation any time soon. “Kakashi?” He hates how his voice cracks, reminding him of just how dry his throat currently is.

Kakashi shifts, lifting his head and turning to face Gai, sitting down on his bottom and drawing his knees closer to his chest. He looks just as bad as Gai does. Kakashi avoids looking at him. “I’m sorry,” he says it so quietly that Gai almost misses it.

Gai feels another wave of nausea and he swallows, biting his bottom lip and feeling the sting there from the previous time he bit his lip. “I’m going to get us some water.”

He stands and goes to the kitchen, grabbing two cups and filling them with the sink. He takes another deep breath while he’s out of Kakashi’s view, gulps down his entire glass, and then fills it back up. When he picks up both glasses, he notices his hands are still shaking.

Gai quickly goes back to the bedroom. Kakashi is now sat with his forehead resting on his knees, arms holding them close. Gai stoops and places the cup within reaching distance of Kakashi and then goes back to his original spot. He sips at the water before he talks again. “I shouldn’t have kissed you and I’m sorry for that.” Kakashi peeks up at him. “I crossed your boundaries. It won’t happen again.”

Kakashi’s eye fills with tears again and the other man rubs at it incessantly to rid them. It’s not the reaction Gai was hoping for. “I shouldn’t have hit you,” Kakashi says, his voice sounding small and frail. His hand stays pressed to his eye. “I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry, Gai.”

Gai doesn’t know what to say to him. Punching him when they are sparring or challenging each other is one thing, but punching him unprovoked and out of anger is completely another. He doesn’t want to tell Kakashi that it’s okay and encourage that sort of behavior but Gai had been willing to sit there and take it if need be. 

“Are you scared of me now?”

Gai’s eyes snap to Kakashi where Kakashi is looking at him, taken aback from that question. “Of course, not,” he answers truthfully.

“Then why are you sitting so far away?”

Gai looks at the distance between them. It’s the entire length of the room. “I thought maybe you would want some space.”

“I want you closer,” Kakashi says. “I want you to not be afraid to get near me.”

Gai shakes his head, crawling closer to Kakashi and abandoning his drink. He goes until there’s only about a foot between them. “I’m not afraid of you, Rival.”

He sees the little rise of Kakashi’s cheek at the nickname and finally, Gai’s got the reaction that he wants. Kakashi reaches out towards Gai’s face, hesitating, before dragging a very light finger down Gai’s nose. “Is it broken?” Gai shakes his head. “Good.”

“I really am sorry, Kakashi.”

This time Kakashi shakes his head. “Please stop apologizing.” He’s frowning under his mask. “I overreacted.”

“Maybe just a little,” Gai teases, hoping it brings a little bit of normalcy back into this interaction.

It doesn’t get the desired effect, however, and Kakashi looks away shamefully, hand dropping to his knee. His eye flits to the bathroom. “Are you okay?”

Gai’s shoulders slouch, all pretenses leaving his body. As he had expected, he doesn’t have the energy to do this tonight. “I’m okay, Kakashi,” he lies. Eventually he will be. Maybe after sleeping tonight he’ll feel better in the morning. Or, at least, that’s what he hopes.

“I wish you wouldn’t lie to me,” Kakashi mumbles, eye still trained on the bathroom.

Gai doesn’t know what to say to that and so they stay quiet for several minutes, each of them avoiding looking at the other. Eventually, Kakashi gets up and crawls into bed and Gai leaves, heading back to his apartment with the weight of nothing being resolved pushing down on him.

*~~~*

Gai doesn’t leave his apartment for two days, opting to instead lie in bed all day. He hasn’t eaten anything, his stomach protesting at even the mere thought of food. His nose has also swollen to twice its regular size — maybe it had gotten broken — and is a deep purple color. He feels achy and sick and he’s already cried once in those two days of being home. He stares at his open window, lying on his side. There’s a bird sitting on the plant box he has there, singing to the sun.

Kakashi hasn’t come to see him.

Groaning at the feeling of another wave of nausea rolling through his stomach, Gai curls in on himself, pulling the blanket up and over his head. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how to save Kakashi.

He sniffles, already feeling the warning signs of another crying fit, when someone knocks on his apartment door. Maybe if he’s quiet, they’ll just go away. Except they don’t and instead he hears his lock clicking and then the squeak of his front door opening.

“Gai?” Asuma calls out. Gai can hear two sets of footsteps which must mean Kurenai is with him. They whisper amongst each other before arriving at his bedroom door. They knock on this, too, but don’t wait for an answer and instead just open it.

“Gai?” It’s Kurenai who says his name this time. “Hey, we haven’t seen you around which is… odd, to say the least. You okay?”

Gai keeps his head under the blanket. “I’m sick.”

He hears her approach, grabs tighter onto the blanket, and doesn’t give it up when she tries to pull it off him. “Gai, don’t be stubborn.” With a heavy sigh, he releases his grasp and Kurenai is finally able to pull the blanket aside. Her eyes widen at the state of him. “What the hell happened to you?”

He sits up. “Mine and Kakashi’s sparring match got a little too rough the other day.”

“He broke your nose?” Asuma asks, stepping closer and sitting down on the edge of the bed. Kurenai sits down next to him. “You two are usually more careful than that.”

“Gai?” Kurenai reaches out but stops short before touching him. “Did he do that on purpose?”

“No,” he answers and it’s not like he’s completely lying. Kakashi had done it out of instinct. He wouldn’t hurt Gai on purpose.

Kurenai and Asuma are frowning at each other but they don’t question him more on the matter. “So, what’s got you hold up in bed?” Asuma asks, changing the subject.

“I told you, I’m sick.”

The two are frowning still. “Since when do you allow that to stop you?” Kurenai questions. Gai reaches up, drags a hand through his hair. She stands. “Well, at the very least you need to eat something. I’ll make you some soup.”

Gai groans and curls his legs up closer to himself, resting his forehead on his knees. His stomach flips. “No food.”

“You really are sick,” Asuma comments, looking at Kurenai in worry. “Hey, seriously Gai, what’s bothering you? You don’t normally get sick like this. Should we bring you to the hospital?”

He can’t help it when the tears come flooding into his eyes again. He presses his eyes into his knees, trying to stop them as his shoulders shake, giving him away. He hasn’t been this emotional since he was a kid.

Kurenai is by his side once again, a hand rubbing up and down his hunched back. “Gai?”

“I don’t…” Gai lifts his head and wipes the tears away, sniffling. “I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know how to help Kakashi.”

Kurenai and Asuma exchange a glance and Gai wishes they would stop doing that. Asuma is the one to answer, peering at him again. “I don’t think there’s much you can do except just be there for him.”

Be there for him. Gai’s been trying that but it isn’t working. How much more can he be there for him if Kakashi isn’t welcoming of his presence. Short of joining the ANBU himself, there isn’t anything else he can do to prove to Kakashi that he isn’t alone.

Something clicks in Gai’s brain and he jumps out of his bed in an instant. “Asuma, you’re a genius!”

“What?”

Gai doesn’t explain, grabbing his vest and headband and slipping them on. “No time to explain! I have to go.”

“Wait, Gai!” Gai ignores their calls about him being sick and runs out of his apartment, making his way towards the Hokage building.

Once there, he paces outside the door to the office, waiting to be granted entrance. The Hokage is in a meeting currently but Gai is buzzing with impatience. He needs to talk to Hiruzen-sama as soon as humanly possible.

The team the Hokage had been meeting with finally exit the room and Gai barges in, not waiting for an invite. “Gai,” Hiruzen greets, not looking fazed by his sudden appearance.

Gai steps up to him, places his hands on the desk, and says with conviction, “I want to join ANBU and be assigned to Kakashi’s team.”

Hiruzen stares at him for a long time, not a single emotion flitting across his face. It makes Gai nervous but he holds his gaze, refusing to back down. Finally, without another thought, Hiruzen says, “No.”

“What?” Gai feels like an ice cold bucket of water had just been poured over him, crushing his entire world. He thinks he might throw up on his Hokage.

“Gai, you’re not suited for ANBU.”

“You’ve got to be kidding?” It takes every ounce of willpower Gai has to keep his voice calm. “Why? I’m strong and capable. I can be sneaky if I need to be. I’m a good shinobi.”

Another man, a man Gai hadn’t noticed at first but recognizes as the one named Danzo, speaks up. “You lack the darkness you need to be in ANBU.”

“Kakashi needs me!” he yells, not being able to hold it back this time.

“Gai,” Hiruzen says gently and it only infuriates Gai more. “True, you are a good shinobi but I’m not allowing you to join the ANBU. Your skillset is best suited elsewhere.”

“Then fire him!” Gai says as a last desperate attempt. Hiruzen and Danzo are silent at that, both watching Gai carefully. “Have you seen how the ANBU is changing him? He’s not himself, Hokage-sama. The ANBU is going to kill him. It  _ is _ killing him!” Gai’s hands curl into fists. “Please.”

Hiruzen sighs, sitting back in his chair. “Gai, I understand your concern, but I can’t just release Kakashi from the ANBU so easily. He’s an asset.”

“He’s a human.”

“He’s a shinobi,” Danzo says and if he doesn’t shut up, Gai is going to punch him.

“I’ll take it into consideration, Gai, but that’s all I can do for now,” Hiruzen says, voice still as calm as ever.

Gai grits his teeth, tsks, and then pushes off the desk, turning and storming out of the office. He wastes no time in finding Asuma who is out buying more cigarettes, Kurenai now nowhere in sight. “Asuma!”

Asuma perks at his name being called and pulls the cigarette out of his mouth when Gai approaches. “Gai? Where the hell did you run off to? Kurenai was worried.” He doesn’t say he was worried as well but Gai knows it’s implied.

“I need you to do me a favor.” Asuma raises an eyebrow in question. “I need you to suggest to the Hokage that he fire Kakashi from the ANBU.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because you’ve seen how the ANBU is changing Kakashi,” Gai explains. “And you have more influence over him.”

Asuma chokes. “Because he’s my father?” He chuckles. “You don’t know our relationship very well then, Gai.”

“It doesn’t matter, you’re still his kid. He’ll listen to you.” Gai grabs Asuma’s shoulders, shaking him a little. “Please, Asuma.”

Asuma pries himself out of Gai’s grasp, wiping his shoulders off. “Okay, okay, I’ll suggest it to him.”

“Thank you!” Gai turns to leave. “Don’t tell him I told you to.” Gai runs away, ignoring when Asuma calls out to him as to why he can’t tell Hiruzen-sama that.

*~~~*

Two days later, and still nothing has been done about Kakashi and the ANBU as far as Gai knows. Kakashi has also been missing for those two days with Gai assuming he’s out on another mission but it doesn’t stop his worrying. Gai tries to train to distract himself but then he finds himself tiring more easily, probably from the lack of nutrition. Gai is usually so careful about that but he can’t manage to eat much. His nerves have been on overdrive for so long, that the only thing he’s managed to keep down as far as food goes is some soup and the only thing he can drink that doesn’t upset his stomach more is water.

That’s why he tries to refuse to go out with Asuma and Kurenai to a new dumplings restaurant when they come over and find him pacing in his living room. He tries to tell them he’s not hungry, that he hasn’t heard anything about Kakashi, and that he’s worried, but Asuma just shakes his head at him and tells him he’s done everything that he can, that it’s in the hands of the Hokage now. They then both grab a hold of Gai’s hands and start dragging him out of his apartment, Kurenai claiming that he has to eat something more solid. Gai feels like throwing up just thinking about it but he’s too tired to argue anymore so he goes with them.

That’s how he finds himself frowning down at a plate of dumplings that sits in front of him. Kurenai triest to encourage him to eat and Gai picks at it. If he’s going to eat something solid, at the very least it should be something with protein in it to aid him in his training. As much as he loves sweet things, this isn’t going to help at all.

Kurenai is trying to encourage him to eat for the tenth time in a span of a half hour, when Kakashi comes storming into the restaurant to all three of their surprise. “What the hell did you do?” he yells as he grabs a hold of Gai’s lapels and drags him out of his chair, knocking it over loudly, and slamming Gai’s back into the wall. “The Hokage just released me from ANBU. What the hell did you say to him?”

He’s shocked to say the least. Gai had been starting to think that the Hokage wasn’t going to listen to his or Asuma’s suggestion. Still, Gai doesn’t have time to be happy about it at the moment, not with Kakashi’s eye being narrowed dangerously at him. He looks like he might hit him again and Gai wonders if Kakashi will go against his word.

Gai honestly hadn’t expected Kakashi to be so mad over this matter. “That’s great,” he says because he just can’t help himself when it comes to challenging Kakashi.

Kakashi’s eyebrow furrows and his nose crinkles in anger. He pulls Gai away from the wall and slams him back into it. By now, all the patrons are watching them. “It’s not great, you idiot!”

Yeah, Gai is pretty sure he’s going to get hit again.

“Kakashi!” Asuma stops Kakashi before Kakashi can even move his fist back to gear up to punch Gai. “It wasn’t him. It was me. I asked the Hokage to take you out of ANBU.”

Kakashi releases him, turning to Asuma. “You? Why?” He sounds almost hurt by the prospect that anyone else but Gai would go behind his back like this.

Gai watches as Asuma tries to explain his reasoning. He keeps Gai out of it but, then again, Gai isn’t paying much attention. Instead, he’s watching Kakashi and seeing the way the man is shaking with anger. He doesn’t know what happened to his best friend, to the person he loves the most in this world. He doesn’t know what happened to the Kakashi who wouldn’t hurt his friends out of anger.

He doesn’t even recognize this Kakashi anymore.

Gai’s bottom lip starts to tremble and he curls his hands into tight fists, nails digging into his palms, and ducking his head down so no one can see his face. His stomach once again clenches painfully, and he grits his teeth tightly together. He wants the old Kakashi back. He doesn’t like this version of him. He had thought leaving the ANBU would help but now he’s angrier than ever.

He doesn’t like it.

Gai pushes past Kakashi and out of the restaurant. It’s getting too stuffy in there and he can’t breathe, his heart once more pounding hard in his chest. He stumbles into the alley next to the restaurant and promptly doubles over, throwing up next to a dumpster. This anxiety and worry and suffocating feeling is going to kill him if he doesn’t do anything about it. But Kakashi has so much pent up anger inside of him that it’s hard to figure out what to do about it and how to help.

“Gai? What’s wrong?” Kakashi has followed him and when Gai straightens up, he can see Asuma and Kurenai standing at the entrance of the alley.

Gai looks at his friend, sees the worry there, and he knows he has to do something,  _ anything _ , to help Kakashi let go of his anger. “Asuma lied.”

“What?”

“I did ask Hiruzen-sama to fire you from ANBU.” Kakashi’s eyebrows furrow. “When he refused, I asked Asuma to do the same.”

“Why?” Kakashi’s hands are fists at his side and he’s standing rigidly. “I  _ needed _ the ANBU, Gai.” His voice is accusatory, as if Gai had taken away the only lifeline Kakashi had left.

“No,” he says defiantly. “No you didn’t. It was changing you, Kakashi. Killing you.” Gai points to his healing nose as evidence. “But I think I understand what you do need now.”

Kakashi crosses his arms, looks skeptical. “Oh yeah, what’s that?”

“Punch me.”

Kakashi takes a surprised step back, arms falling to his side. “What?”

“Punch me. You need to get your anger out, right? So, go ahead. I’m giving you permission to hit me.”

Kakashi shakes his head, uncurls his hands. “No. I said I wouldn’t hurt you again.”

Maybe Gai had been wrong about earlier. Maybe Kakashi wasn’t about to punch him in the restaurant but he knows he’s not wrong that Kakashi needs some sort of outlet for his anger and he knows he’s not wrong that ANBU isn’t that source. So, instead, he swings towards Kakashi with his fist, making sure the other man can dodge easily enough. “Come on! I challenge you to punch me!” He swings towards him again and Kakashi dodges once more.

“No,” Kakashi refuses, backing away in the tight space of the alley but Gai follows easily. “Gai, stop this.”

“Damn it, Kakashi, just hit me!”

When the impact of Kakashi’s fist hits him in the face, it causes Gai to stumble back. He had been in mid-punch himself and so hadn’t had the footing to keep balanced. Still, he doesn’t’ fall and lunges towards Kakashi. “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? I know you can do better than that.”

“Boys, stop!” Kurenai says from her spot at the entrance but Asuma pulls her back by the arm.

“Kurenai, don’t,” Asuma warns.

Gai doesn’t blame him. His and Kakashi’s fight is getting heated now, getting dangerous, and they shouldn’t be doing it in a cramped alleyway, but there’s no time to move locations now. “Hit me for real, Kakashi! Or are you too much of a coward now that you’re out of the ANBU?”

Kakashi growls, swings towards him with his fist, and Gai allows it to land. “Shut up!”

Gai spits out some blood. “Some  _ elite _ ninja you are,” he taunts. “Can’t even knock me down.”

“I said, shut up!” Kakashi hits him again and Gai allows it, stumbling to the ground now. He sits on his bottom, hands propping himself up, and glares at Kakashi.

“So your friends and sensei died. Boo-hoo. We’ve all lost friends.” It’s harsh, Gai knows, and he doesn’t actually mean it but it does reward him with the exact reaction he wants.

Kakashi is on him in a second, punching him over and over again. “Don’t you ever talk about them like that again!”

“Kakashi!” Kurenai yells but Asuma still holds her back.

Gai brings his arms up to protect his head from too much damage — it’s not worth risking brain damage or death — but he allows Kakashi to keep punching him several times. When Gai thinks Kakashi has had enough time to use him as a volunteer punching bag — and when tears are streaming down Kakashi’s face — Gai grabs a hold of his fist, flipping them so Kakashi is on his back. Gai straddles him, holding Kakashi’s hands above his head. Kakashi thrashes and screams under Gai as he sobs but Gai knows he doesn’t have the stamina to keep it up. He slows quickly, wrenching his wrists free from Gai’s grasp and covers his face with his hands, continuing to cry and hiccup.

Gai is panting. There’s blood dripping down from his face onto Kakashi but the other man doesn’t seem to care as he weeps under him. “Feel better?” he quietly asks Kakashi.

Kakashi doesn’t answer him, opting instead to reach up and wrap his arms around Gai’s neck, pulling him down into a tight hug.

*~~~*

“Here.” Gai takes the offered ice pack from Kakashi’s hand, placing it gently on his face. Once Kakashi had stopped his crying, Gai had shooed Asuma and Kurenai away, telling them he’ll be fine, and then ushered Kakashi back to Gai’s apartment. Once they were inside, it was like something switched in Kakashi and he started mother henning him, making them both tea, wiping Gai’s face clean, and then getting him the ice pack. Gai was careful to not show any hesitancy towards Kakashi’s actions.

“Thanks,” he says as Kakashi sits down across from him.

“Why did you do that?”

“I told you already. The ANBU was-”

“No,” Kakashi cuts him off. “Why did you provoke me like that?”

Gai sighs and sets the ice pack down onto the table. “You have too much built up anger, Kakashi.” Kakashi looks at him. Guilt and shame shine in his eye. “And I fully believe the ANBU wasn’t a good way for you to get all that out.”

“I don’t know any other way, Gai,” Kakashi complains.

“Yes, you do.” Gai insists. “You can spar with me.”

“No,” Kakashi gets up, backs away from him. “I’m  _ never _ doing that to you again. Just looking at what I did to you makes me…” He places a hand on his stomach and looks away, the little bit of skin exposed on his face growing even paler than usual. 

Gai chuckles and brings the ice pack back up to his face. “Well, maybe not to this extent again but you and I, we’re pretty evenly matched. We can almost go all out on each other.” He laughs again. “Do you really think you would have been able to do so much damage on me if I hadn’t let you?”

Kakashi is wrapping his arms around Gai’s chest before Gai even has the time to register what is happening. He buries his face into Gai’s shoulder, mumbling, “Don’t you ever let me do that to you again.”

Gai brings a hand up and places it on Kakashi’s back. “I trust you, Kakashi.” Kakashi shakes his head but Gai doesn’t give him the opportunity to speak. “I  _ trust _ you to never do this to me again.”

He pulls away. “How can you?”

“Because I know you.”

Kakashi shakes his head again, going down to kneel on the floor and look up at him. It’s a vulnerable position, a position Gai is sure Kakashi thought out before performing the action, so that way Kakashi wouldn’t be standing above him. His hands rest flat on Gai’s thighs. “You said the ANBU changed me.”

“I said it  _ was _ changing you.” He smiles at his rival, brushes his fingers through Kakashi’s hair — it’s a risky move since Gai doesn’t know how welcome it would be but Kakashi doesn’t react to it so he thinks it’s okay. “There’s still the real you in there.”

“How do you know?”

Gai slides out of his chair and kneels in front of Kakashi. They’re close now, with Kakashi’s hands having slid up to Gai’s waist. “Because I still see it.” He cups Kakashi’s cheek. Kakashi doesn’t pull away or tell him to stop. “I still see it in the way you smile and the way you laugh. I still see it when you read those pervy books and when you… when you still ask me if I’m okay even if you’re mad at me.”

“You’ve been throwing up a lot.” Gai didn’t know Kakashi had noticed. “I’m worried.”

“I’m throwing up because  _ I’m  _ worried about  _ you _ , you idiot.” He playfully pushes at Kakashi’s shoulder, gently so he doesn’t fall back. “You’re quite troublesome you know.”

A little bit of Kakashi’s cheek rises and Gai almost melts from finally seeing that look on Kakashi’s face after so long of not seeing it. “Sorry about that.” The smile fades shortly after, however, to Gai’s dismay. “But you are okay?”

Gai shrugs. “I will be once you smarten up.”

He wasn’t expecting it but a snort of laughter escapes from Kakashi’s mouth, the edge of his eye crinkling as he smiles more. It’s more than Gai could have asked for. Kakashi leans forward and rests his forehead on Gai’s shoulder, hands dragging around Gai’s body to rest on his back. “I don’t know what to do, Gai,” he admits quietly.

Gai pulls him closer, wrapping his arms protectively around Kakashi’s frame. “I’ll help you.” Kakashi buries his face in Gai’s neck and Gai rests his aching cheek on the back of Kakashi’s head. “I’m not going to abandon you, Rival.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m very much aware the whole ANBU situation was resolved differently in canon but I liked this better. ;)
> 
> I probably overplayed Kakashi’s anger but I always thought Kakashi would be pretty pissed if he ever learned it was Gai’s idea that he be let go from the ANBU. Anyway, before anyone tells me Kakashi and Gai were ooc in this chapter, that was the whole point. This is why Gai’s behavior is pointed out by Kurenai and Asuma, and Gai points out Kakashi’s odd behavior. It was to show what kind of impact ANBU had, not only on Kakashi’s life but also on Gai’s.
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Next chapter will be posted on 12/02/2020
> 
> [Tumblr](https://angelcamael.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Fanfiction Tumblr](https://lopithecusfanfiction.tumblr.com/)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How the hell did these chapters start getting so long??
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

“Ha!” Gai points at Kakashi who is currently sitting next to him. “I beat you, my Rival!”

Kakashi drags an exasperated hand down his face. “Gai, your birthday always comes before mine.”

Gai wraps an arm around Kakashi’s shoulders, pulling him closer to his side, and then points at everyone that is sitting at the table with them. “I beat  _ all _ of you.”

Genma laughs. “He’s completely wasted after only one cup of sake. Imagine how he would be after five.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to try out that theory, Genma,” Kakashi notes, pushing gently out of Gai’s arms. Gai makes a sound in protest. “He might be twenty now but I think a bit of a limit on his alcohol consumption is a good idea.”

Asuma laughs, elbowing Ebisu. “Yeah, at least until his tolerance improves.”

Gai squints at him. “What’s so funny?” He then turns to Kakashi. “Kakashi, I challenge you-”

Kakashi cuts him off with a finger to Gai’s mouth. “No, no competitions right now.”

Gai pouts. “But it’s my  _ birthday!” _ he exclaims, dragging out the word birthday.

He’s just turned twenty and his friends thought it was a good idea to bring Gai out drinking for the first time. They all have an alcoholic drink in front of them except for Kakashi, who isn’t at the legal drinking age yet. That doesn’t stop Kakashi from sneaking drinks from Gai’s, mixing some of it into his non-alcoholic drink.

Gai leans in close to Kakashi and squints at him. God, he’s beautiful. He boops Kakashi on the nose and pulls back, laughing heartily. “Maybe it was a bad idea to have those two sit together,” Gai hears Kurenai whisper to Asuma.

Gai pouts at her next, grabbing a hold of Kakashi once more and scooting closer to him so they are flushed together. “What do you mean, Kurenai? Kakashi is my rival, so, of course, I would be sitting next to him.” Kakashi sighs. “He’s so cool and hip and  _ ho _ -”

“ _ Maybe _ you’ve already had too much to drink,” Asuma comments before Gai can finish his sentence, saving Gai from completely embarrassing himself and outing his crush on Kakashi  _ to _ Kakashi. He reaches over and confiscates the sake bottle, ignoring Gai’s small noise of protest.

Gai brings his attention back to Kakashi, hanging off of him. “Kakashi, why won’t you challenge me?”

“Gai.” Kakashi tries to extricate himself from Gai’s grasp. “You’re way too drunk right now to do any sort of challenge.”

“Nuh-uh,” Gai shakes his head, ignoring the snickers from around the table. “I’m perfectly fine.”

“Gai, please let go,” Kakashi mumbles, exasperated.

Gai frowns and lets his friend go, scooting away and crossing his arms in a pout. “Uh-oh, Kakashi,” Genma starts. “I think you hurt his feelings.”

At Kakashi’s guilty sounding sigh, Gai is immediately back on him. “Kakashi, you have no idea how much I care about you and I mean, it’s a  _ lot _ .”

Asuma stands. “Maybe it’s time to bring you home, Gai.”

“But I want to spend time with my eternal rival,” he says, clinging to Kakashi tightly and practically crawling into his lap.

Kakashi stands, taking Gai with him who is still refusing to let him go. “I can take him.”

“No, no, Kakashi.” Asuma steps around the table and peels Gai off of Kakashi, helping Gai balance on his feet. “You have a mission tomorrow and should go prepare for it. I’ll take him.”

“Okay…” Kakashi says. If Gai didn’t know any better, he would say Kakashi sounds disappointed.

“I’ll meet you later, Kurenai,” Asuma says and then swings one of Gai’s arms around his shoulders to start dragging him away. “You almost got yourself into trouble, Gai,” he mumbles under his breath, close to Gai’s ear once they are out of earshot. “Don’t say anything yet.” They walk several blocks away, turning a corner so they are out of sight of the others. “Alright, I know you’re dying to speak. You can now.”

Gai reaches up with his other hand and places it on the shoulder opposite of the one he’s leaning on, almost pulling Asuma down. “I just  _ love _ him, Asuma. I love him so, so, so, so, so, so  _ much _ .”

“I know.”

“Why,” he swallows thickly, the alcohol making his tongue feel thick, “why can’t Kakashi love me back?”

Asuma chuckles. “Because he’s emotionally inept.” He then shrugs. “Plus, he’s straight.”

“How can we be so sure?” Gai asks. “He’s only had one girlfriend.”

“He was in ANBU, Gai, and you saw how he was like then. Hell, you got beat up because of it.” Asuma adjusts his grip on Gai, hauling him back up onto his feet when Gai starts to sag a little. “I don’t think he was in any kind of mental state to have a girlfriend at the time.”

“ _ Mayumi _ .”

“Mayumi?”

“Mayumi.” Gai scowls. “What kind of name is  _ Mayumi _ .”

“Who the hell is Mayumi?”

“Kakashi’s girlfriend… she was mean. She lied.” Silence falls between them and then, “I wonder if Kakashi has had sex yet.”

“Okay,” Asuma says quickly. “I am  _ not _ talking to you about Kakashi’s sex life.”

“I’ve had sex.” Gai looks at Asuma pointedly. “Have  _ you _ had sex?” He then gasps. “Have you had  _ sex _ with  _ Kurenai _ ?”

“God, Gai, stop.”

“I don’t think Kakashi has had sex.”

“I swear to God, Gai, I will drop you and leave you here.”

Gai narrows his eyes at Asuma. “You’re mean.”

“I’m helping you aren’t I?”

“Yeah,” Gai mumbles. After a few seconds of quiet, he says, “I think you’re right. Kakashi is straight.”

Asuma leans Gai up against a wall, grabbing his apartment key out of Gai’s jumpsuit pocket, and unlocking the door. Gai hadn’t even noticed they made it to his home already. Asuma hauls him back up. “Why are you so certain about that?”

Gai frowns. “Because he punched me when I kissed him.”

“You kissed him?” Asuma deposits Gai onto his bed. “Wait, so he knows you like him like that? Am I saving you for no reason?”

Gai shakes his head, wrapping himself into a cocoon made of his blanket. “No, I’m sure he doesn’t even remember.”

“Kakashi has a memory like a sponge, Gai.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Gai mumbles, suddenly feeling tired now that his head is resting on a comfy pillow. “It wasn’t like it was a proper kiss. Kind of just like a brush of lips and his mask was still on.”

“I feel like that still counts.”

“And I’m sure Kakashi probably thinks I’m over it.” He shrugs but isn’t sure if Asuma sees it. “Or that it was just sexual attraction at the time or maybe just a way I was trying to comfort him. It was a bad time. Emotionally charged. He doesn’t know how I feel.”

Asuma doesn’t say anything to this and Gai wonders if he left. He peeks his eyes open and sees that the man is still standing there, cigarette in his mouth. Gai doesn’t know when he lit one up. Asuma blows out a puff of smoke. “You should probably seriously start thinking about moving on, Gai.”

“I can’t,” he sighs. “I love him.”

Asuma sighs, another puff of smoke leaving his mouth. “I know.” He turns and starts walking away. “Happy birthday, Gai.”

*~~~*

Gai groans as sunlight hits him in the face, his head pounding with an intense headache. His mouth feels like it’s full of cobwebs and his throat is terribly dry. His stomach flips and he groans again, not wanting to throw up.

“Here.” Gai jolts awake, sitting up abruptly at the intruder’s voice. His head protests violently and Gai has to hold it in his hands as he waits for the room to stop spinning. “Easy.”

Gai squints his eyes open and peers at Kakashi who is sitting on the edge of his bed with a glass of water. Gai takes it gratefully and chugs it down. “What are you doing here?” he asks as he hands the cup back. “I thought you had a mission?”

“I do.” Kakashi shrugs. “It won’t matter if I’m a little late.”

“Are you sure?”

Kakashi smiles warmly at him, something playing in his eye. Gai can’t read what it is and Kakashi doesn’t give him a chance to ask. “Here, some pain killers.” He stands. “I’ll get you some more water.” He leaves the room and returns quickly, handing over the glass once more.

Gai pops the pills into his mouth and downs them with the full glass. He sets it down on his nightstand and eyes Kakashi. “Kakashi-”

Kakashi shushes him, holding up a finger to Gai’s mouth. “Don’t question it. Just let me help you.” He stands. “I’m going to make you some breakfast. Stay there.”

Gai, curious and confused at the same time, doesn’t do what he is told and instead follows Kakashi out into the kitchen. He has to pinch himself to make sure he’s not dreaming and when Kakashi is still standing there by the stove, Gai is stunned. He sits down at the table and waits for his food. Neither of them talk.

Gai eats his breakfast thankfully, trying to not squirm under Kakashi’s scrutiny. When he asks Kakashi why he isn’t eating too, the other man just shrugs and says he ate earlier. When he’s done with that, Kakashi walks him to the bathroom, starts up the shower, and — when Gai is just starting to get really,  _ really  _ confused and a little hopeful — Kakashi leaves the bathroom with a command directed towards Gai to shower.

Gai sighs, quickly brushes his teeth, and then removes his jumpsuit, getting into the shower and letting the warm water relax his muscles. It’s not until he’s done that he realizes that he doesn’t have a towel. He stands in the middle of his bathroom, naked, and not knowing what to do. He doesn’t have anything in the bathroom to cover up with.

Swallowing nervously, Gai opens the door a crack. “Kakashi?” There’s no answer and he opens the door more, poking his head out. “Kakashi?” He’s nowhere in sight and Gai feels his heart drop into his stomach. With a heavy sigh, Gai leaves the bathroom and grabs a towel out of the laundry basket. 

He searches the entire apartment — which isn’t very big — and finds no evidence of Kakashi. “Of course, he left without saying goodbye,” Gai grumbles under his breath, opening up his wardrobe to pull out a jumpsuit. Something catches his eyes as he does and notices there is a message taped to one of them. He pulls it off and reads it.

_ Gai, _

_ I’ll meet you later at training ground 3. _

_ -Kakashi _

Gai frowns at the note but folds it up and shoves it into his jumpsuit pocket once he’s got one.”

*~~~*

Gai doesn’t exactly know how long Kakashi’s mission is supposed to be so he heads to training ground three and spends most of the day there. It isn’t until the sun is low in the sky when Kakashi finally shows up. Gai promptly stops doing his handstand push ups and walks over to Kakashi with a wide grin.

“That was an awful cryptic message you left me, Rival,” Gai says as he approaches, stopping to stand in front of Kakashi. He looks his friend over who is standing there with a bored expression on his face and his hands shoved into his pocket. “How was the mission?”

Kakashi shrugs. “Easy. It was just a quick C-rank.”

“Aren’t genin teams supposed to take care of those?” Gai mumbles but he doesn’t get an answer out of Kakashi, who suddenly grabs his hand and drags him to the middle of the training ground. “Are we going to fight?”

Kakashi lets go of Gai’s hand and crosses his arms. “Sort of. I’m challenging you to a wrestling match.”

“Wrestling?”

Kakashi shrugs. “Think of it as a late birthday present.”

Gai gives Kakashi a wide smile and thumbs up. “Well then, I accept your challenge, Rival!”

Kakashi sighs, as if regretting his suggestion already. “Okay. On the count of three.” They both get into position. “One. Two. Three.”

They grapple with each other for a few minutes until Gai finally manages to get a good grip on Kakashi and pin him to the ground. Kakashi is on his stomach, Gai wrenching one of his arms behind his back, and leaning into Kakashi to hold him there. He looks down at his friend with a frown. “This seems hardly fair. I am physically stronger than you.”

Kakashi smirks back at him. “I have a secret weapon.”

Suddenly, someone grabs a fist full of his hair and yanks him back — but careful not to hurt him — pulling him off of Kakashi and shoving him onto his back. Kakashi is straddling him before Gai even knows it, the other person holding Gai’s hands above his head. When Gai looks to see who it is, it’s another Kakashi.

“Hey!” Gai says in accusation. “You never said anything about using ninjutsu!”

The Kakashi on top of him tilts his head. “Oh? I thought I mentioned it.” He reaches up and replaces the other Kakashi’s hands with his own, dispelling the shadow clone.

Their faces are close, noses almost touching. “Kakashi?”

“I’m sorry, Gai,” Kakashi says quietly.

Gai grows confused, eyebrows furrowing. “For what?” Kakashi is frowning down at him, Gai can tell — and he’s so happy he can read Kakashi’s facial expressions again — and he doesn’t say anything. “Kakashi?”

Kakashi leans down, resting his forehead on top of Gai’s. “I hate that I hurt you,” he whispers.

Gai is still confused. He’s not sure why Kakashi is bringing this up after all this time. “Kakashi, that was ages ago.”

“God, Gai.” Kakashi shifts, dragging his face down Gai’s until their cheeks are pressed together. “I was scared,” he whispers into Gai’s ear.

Gai frees his wrists and pushes at Kakashi’s shoulders. The other man sits up so they can lock eyes. “Scared of what?”

Kakashi doesn’t answer right away and just stares at him. He drags a hand down Gai’s face. “I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“You won’t. You haven’t. Kakashi, what’s brought this on so suddenly?”

Kakashi brings both his hands to either side of Gai’s face, carding his hands through Gai’s hair until he can drag them down to rest on both sides of Gai’s neck. “Do you love me?”

Gai falls quiet in surprise, looking at Kakashi. He doesn’t know if this is a trick question or how he should answer it. “What?”

“Do you love me?”

Gai diverts his eyes so he doesn’t have to look at Kakashi. “What kind of question is that?”

“I’ve been thinking about something lately.”

Gai looks back up at his friend and Kakashi’s eye is looking back down at him softly. “Kakashi, you’re really confusing me.”

Kakashi continues, ignoring Gai’s statement. “I’ve been thinking about how, after everything, you’ve always been there, Gai.”

Gai reassures him. “Of course. I told you already. I’ll never abandon you.”

“You’ve helped me through so much.”

“And you’ve helped me.”

“It’s not the same. I was awful to you. Even when we were kids.”

“You did your best.”

“It wasn’t good enough.”

“Kakashi-” Gai is cut off by Kakashi’s masked covered mouth pressing into his, taking Gai by surprise.

The kiss only lasts for a few seconds — not giving Gai enough time to react to it — before Kakashi is sitting up enough to lean his forehead against Gai’s again. “Don’t tell anyone,” he whispers and disappears in a puff of smoke.

*~~~*

Kakashi is in his apartment when Gai finally goes home hours after their kiss. He had been shocked by Kakashi’s action at the training field and so had decided to stay a bit longer and think through his thoughts as he trained. By the time he finished, he wasn’t anywhere closer to understanding or knowing what to do than he was when Kakashi kissed him.

Kakashi is sitting at his table, picking at the scratch on it that Gai had promised himself to fix years ago. There’s two takeout boxes sitting in front of him. “I thought you’d be back hours ago.”

Gai grimaces. “Those aren’t cold are they?”

Kakashi shakes his head. “No, I’ve only been here for about five minutes.”

Gai sits down across from him, grabbing one of the boxes and opening it. “I thought you thought I was going to be here hours ago?”

“I never said I was.”

Gai looks at Kakashi suspiciously. He has a feeling Kakashi had been here earlier and waited but when Gai didn’t show up, he went out to get them food. He doesn’t comment on this, however. If Kakashi doesn’t want to talk about it, then they won’t talk about it. Instead, he starts eating with Kakashi doing the same.

They finish their meal in companionable silence. He doesn’t want to push Kakashi into talking about the kiss. He’s too afraid of scaring him off if he does, so he waits for Kakashi to bring it up. When they are done eating, Kakashi cleans up the food containers and then sits back down. They stare at each other.

“Aren’t you going to ask me?” Kakashi questions.

Gai shrugs. “I was going at your pace.”

Kakashi sighs. “You’re too good for me.” Gai opens his mouth to protest that statement but Kakashi stands, rounds the table, and grabs Gai’s hand, pulling him up and out of the chair. “I want to try something with you.”

Gai follows Kakashi dutifully into his bedroom, where Kakashi nudges him gently onto the bed and makes him lie down. Kakashi climbs on top of him, straddling his waist, and then stares down at him. Gai draws his legs up so Kakashi can lean back against his thighs and then stares back. He isn’t sure where to put his hands so he keeps them by his side, on the bed. Still, Kakashi just stares at him. 

Gai raises an eyebrow in question. “Kakashi? What are we doing?”

Kakashi finally moves, placing both his hands on Gai's chest. “You never answered my question, you know?” Gai swallows. “Do you love me?”

“I’d rather you explain to me what is going on.” Gai’s fingers twitch. He wants to reach up and touch Kakashi but he’s pretty sure it wouldn’t be welcomed right now. “I’m confused.”

“I need to know first, Gai.”

Gai smiles gently up at him. “Isn’t it obvious?”

Kakashi shakes his head. “Not to me. I need confirmation through words, Gai. I can’t… I can’t continue if you don’t tell me.”

“Can I touch you?” Kakashi looks surprised by this question but nods anyway. Gai reaches up, grabs a hold of Kakashi’s waist lightly. “I love you.”

“Since when?”

“More questions?”

“Please just answer them.”

“Okay…” Gai thinks about it but the answer is quite obvious to him. “Since forever.” Kakashi’s eye widens in surprise and his cheek turns pink. “I don’t know. Maybe love at first sight is cheesy but I do believe that is what happened.” Kakashi diverts his gaze and Gai allows him. He knows how easily Kakashi can get overwhelmed. “I didn’t realize it until I was twelve and then didn’t accept it until I was fourteen.”

“Then why did you have sex with those two people?”

Gai laughs incredulously. “Because they were hot.”

Kakashi’s eye slides back to him. “So, yesterday, when Asuma kept interrupting you-”

“He was trying to save me from making an ass out of myself,” Gai supplies. “We all thought you were straight and, well, the last time I made my feelings known, I got punched for my efforts.”

“Wait,” Kakashi shakes his head, “that kiss, when we were eighteen, you did that because you…  _ liked _ me?”

“Why else?”

“I thought you were just trying to distract me.”

“Ah,” Gai says, feeling a chuckle bubble up within himself. Emotionally inept indeed. “No, I thought at the time you felt the same.”

“I did!”

“But it was bad timing-wait what?” Gai squeezes Kakashi’s waist in surprise, not having expected to hear him say that.

Kakashi isn’t looking at him anymore, cheek a deep red. “I did but I thought… I thought you were trying to distract me and it didn’t mean anything. Then everything… went really bad.”

“Because you punched me.”

Kakashi hangs his head. “I’m sorry.”

“ _ And _ beat me up.”

“Sorry,” he says quietly, shame lacing his voice and avoiding looking at him.

Gai lets go of Kakashi’s waist with one hand and lifts his chin so Kakashi is looking at him. “You don’t have to keep apologizing to me. You were in a bad headspace then.”

“But you saved me.” Kakashi’s eye grows soft. “You always save me.”

Gai smiles at him, genuine and loving. “That’s because you’re someone precious to me.”

Gai watches as Kakashi’s cheek rises slightly in a smile. “You mean a lot to me, Gai. I want you to know that.”

“You make it sound like something bad is going to happen.”

Kakashi shakes his head and leans down. “No, nothing bad.”

The next thing he knows, Kakashi’s mouth is on his again. It’s still covered by the mask but Gai will take it, wrapping his arms around Kakashi’s shoulders and pulling him closer. Kakashi moans, soft and content, hands coming up to cup Gai’s face. They stay like this for a long time, just kissing each other over and over again, until Kakashi pulls back and sits up.

Kakashi taps Gai’s chest. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Gai.”

Gai looks at him, confused all over again. “What are you talking about?”

“You say you slept with those two people because they were hot.” Kakashi draws away, slipping off of Gai. Gai sits up, wanting to complain about the loss of him but doesn’t, allowing Kakashi to control the situation. “I’ve never found anyone but you to be that.”

Gai smiles wide, feeling a bit giddy. “You think I’m hot?”

Kakashi looks away, embarrassed. When he’s calmed and looking back at Gai, it’s with conviction. “Yes.” He crawls closer until they’re face to face, only inches apart. “I think you’re hot and sexy and just… perfect.”

Gai can feel his heart starting to pick up pace and he swallows. “I want-”

Kakashi pulls away, smirking. “You’re fun to tease.” Gai’s entire face turns red and Kakashi chuckles. When he’s done, he leans his elbow on his knee and rests his chin in the palm of his hand, just sitting there and watching Gai be flustered. “You’re cute,” he says seriously, making Gai’s face turn red all over again, just as it was starting to fade.

Gai covers his face with his hands and wails in embarrassment. “Ah, Kakashi, stop!”

Kakashi is chuckling again and then his hands are peeling Gai’s off his face. “Lay down.” Gai does as instructed and Kakashi lies down beside him, scooting close and pressing his chest against Gai’s side. “You’re the only one I’ve ever felt this way for, Gai.”

“I suppose I should feel honored then.” Gai turns his head and beams at Kakashi. “I won Hatake Kakashi’s affection? Best prize ever.”

Kakashi laughs, shoving Gai’s face away. “Shut up, you idiot.”

*~~~*

The first time Gai kisses Kakashi without the mask on is magnificent. It’s not like it’s the first time Gai has seen Kakashi without his mask — though it is a rare sight — kissing him with it on and with it off is an entirely different ball game.

Kakashi moans in protest as Gai pushes him back a little. It’s been a few days since their first kiss and Kakashi is once again straddling him as Gai lies on his back on his bed. This seems to be the best position, for now, seeing as Kakashi has all the power like this. The last thing Gai wants to do is make Kakashi feel trapped.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, you know?”

Kakashi tilts his head. “What do you mean?”

Gai rubs a hand down Kakashi’s bare face, admiring the sight. He’s been giving this a lot of thought since that first confession Kakashi made and he’s come to the conclusion that Kakashi is perfect the way he is. “About you never having been attracted to anyone else but me. There’s nothing wrong with you because of it.”

“How can you be so sure?” Kakashi asks. “What if ANBU messed me up more than we thought?”

“Kakashi, that’s ridiculous,” Gai points out. “Others in ANBU have sexual relations, right?” Kakashi nods. “Then there you go, it wasn’t ANBU.” Gai shrugs, rubbing a hand down Kakashi’s shoulder and then his arm in a comforting manner. “You’re just you, Kakashi.”

Kakashi shakes his head. “It’s not normal.”

“How do you know?” Gai asks him and Kakashi looks away. “Have you talked to every single person on this planet to know such facts?” Kakashi doesn’t answer him, not that Gai had expected anything different. “I’m sure there are loads of other people like you, Kakashi.”

Kakashi turns back to him. “How can you be so confident about that?”

“When I…” Gai swallows, feeling his chest tighten with the memory of his father. “When I told my dad that I wanted a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend, I thought I was the only one. I hated feeling like that. But then my dad told me about these friends that my mom had. They were two girls who loved each other and dated each other. He proved to me that I wasn’t alone.” He pokes Kakashi in the chest. “And if I have to search the whole world high and low to find proof for you that you aren’t alone either, then I will.”

Kakashi rolls his eye, his Sharingan eye having already been shut. “No, you don’t need to do that.”

“Then trust me when I say there are others out there that feel the same as you.”

Kakashi’s smile is warm and loving. “I always trust you, Gai.” He leans back down and resumes their kissing.

It grows heated and they start to peel each other’s clothes off, one garment at a time. Gai had already decided that if they ever made it to this part in their relationship, that he would let Kakashi be in charge and Gai would bottom until Kakashi was ready to as well. Not only does Kakashi not have the experience — which is something Kakashi admitted to not having with males or females earlier that day — but it also means Kakashi can go at his own pace and stay in charge without feeling vulnerable.

Kakashi kisses his way down Gai’s jaw and neck until he reaches the hem of the jumpsuit. “How do I get this thing off?”

“Are you sure you want to do this, Kakashi?” Kakashi peers at him in question. “I don’t want to rush you.”

Kakashi sighs. “Gai, I’ve been wanting to do this with you since we were eighteen.”

“That’s it?” Gai exclaims.

“Is… is that a problem?” Kakashi asks, sitting up a little.

“No!” Gai says quickly to make sure Kakashi doesn’t start to get insecure again. “It’s just, I’ve wanted to do this with you since I was fourteen, fifteen.”

Kakashi grimaces. “That’s a little young, don’t you think?”

Gai shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s the passion of youth in me, Kakashi!” Kakashi is laughing at him. “Stop laughing,” Gai whines which only makes Kakashi laugh more. “Kakashi!”

Kakashi holds up his hands in surrender, still chuckling. “Okay, okay.” He leans down and kisses at Gai’s pout. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles against Gai’s cheek. “Let’s start over.”

Gai cups the back of Kakashi’s head, carding his fingers through his hair. “Sounds good to me.” He pushes Kakashi away gently and starts to take his jumpsuit off. “I’ll take it off this time but next time you’re going to learn how to do it.” Gai stops short, his jumpsuit hanging off his shoulders. “I mean… if there is a next time…”

Kakashi grabs a hold of the jumpsuit and continues to take it off where Gai had stopped. “Why wouldn’t there be?” Gai avoids Kakashi’s eye, feeling extremely self-conscious all of a sudden. Kakashi pulls back, the jumpsuit now hanging around Gai’s waist. “Gai?”

“Are we-” he stops. He’s not really sure how to say it in a way that won’t make Kakashi go running. “Well, you know.”

“Do I?” Gai shrugs, still avoiding looking at Kakashi. “You can say it, Gai. I’m not afraid of the word.”

“Dating?” he says quietly, almost hoping that Kakashi doesn’t hear him. He’s not sure what he’ll do if Kakashi leaves him like this. It seems like a pain he wouldn’t be able to get over very easily.

Kakashi shimmies even closer so that he’s kneeling in front of Gai, almost touching chest to chest. He grabs onto either side of Gai’s face and turns his head until Gai can look him in the eye. “Boyfriends?” Gai doesn’t say anything. “Do you want to?”

“More than anything,” Gai answers.

Kakashi shrugs. “Then we’ll date and be boyfriends.”

“But you don’t want anyone to know.” Gai shrugs Kakashi’s hands off him. “You told me not to tell anyone.”

Kakashi is frowning and it’s his turn to avoid eye contact. “I’m not ready.”

“Is it…” Gai starts, takes a breath, then continues. “Is it because I’m a man like you, or is it because it’s me?”

“No!” Kakashi is quick to say, reaching out for him again. His hands land on Gai’s shoulders. “It’s not you, I promise. I could never be ashamed of you.”

“Then it’s the same sex thing?”

Kakashi doesn’t answer him at first, scrutinizing Gai closely. Gai can practically see the gears turning in Kakashi’s brain, contemplating. Finally, he says, “It’s complicated, Gai.”

“It’s really not,” Gai says then sighs. “But I’d be a hypocrite if I said I didn’t understand.” Gai lets out another heavy sigh and looks Kakashi right in the eye, saying with conviction, “I don’t want to be your secret and I don't want you to be my secret forever, but I will give you time to accept it.”

Kakashi looks away, as if hiding something from Gai, but then looks back with warmth radiating from his eye. Kakashi pecks him on the nose and leans their foreheads together. “Thank you.” Then he’s kissing him on the lips again and Gai melts into it, forgetting all about his insecurities and worries for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Next update will be 12/09/2020
> 
> Only two more chapters to go!!
> 
> [Tumblr](https://angelcamael.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Fanfiction Tumblr](https://lopithecusfanfiction.tumblr.com/)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s not explicitly stated, but they both are 22 in this chapter
> 
> Please enjoy!

Two days of secrecy turns into two weeks. Two weeks turns into two months. Two months turns into two years.

It’s not that Gai and Kakashi _meant_ to keep their relationship a secret for so long — or well, at least, _Gai_ hadn’t — but they had gotten busy with missions along with Kakashi failing genin teams. So, time passed them and before they knew it, it had been two years since they had gotten together and yet, no one even knows.

They’re in Gai’s bed together, sheets tangled around their waists as they both lie there naked, with Kakashi peppering Gai’s sweaty cheek with light kisses. They had just gotten done with a round of sex with Kakashi riding Gai teasingly slow and now they’re both exhausted. It was definitely a testament to both their staminas — with Gai winning in the end, of course.

Gai plays with Kakashi’s hair, stroking his fingers through every strand. “You know, you’re going to have to pass a team eventually.”

Kakashi has moved onto Gai’s nose, placing a loud smacking kiss on it. “No one ever said that.”

“So what are you going to do? Fail every single one every time you’re given students?”

“Mmhmm,” Kakashi hums, kissing his way down Gai’s jaw. “If they can’t even grasp the concept of teamwork, Gai, then why do they deserve to pass?”

“Because you’re supposed to teach them that.”

“They should already know it.”

Gai sighs, rubbing a hand down Kakashi’s bare back. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Kakashi sits up a little to look Gai in the eyes. “What? Do you think I’m wrong?”

“I think they need to be taught and learn, and I think you need to teach them.”

“Not until they deserve it.”

“They deserve you,” Gai says as Kakashi slips off him and lies his head back down on the pillow, next to Gai. “You would make a great teacher, Kakashi.”

“Only you think that.”

“And the Sandaime.”

Kakashi snorts. “Only because you and Asuma forced him to fire me from ANBU.”

Gai stares at Kakashi’s profile, enjoying the view. “Do you miss it? ANBU?”

Kakashi shrugs. “No, not really.”

“Not really?” Gai sits up, surprised, and peers down at Kakashi. “That means you do a little bit.”

Kakashi shrugs again. “I don’t miss what it turned me into. Not that ANBU was the sole reason for my actions.”

“Well, you were hurting a lot back then.”

“Exactly, back then.” Kakashi sits up and Gai sits back, sitting on his calves. “That was all in the past, Gai. I wouldn’t be able to go back to the ANBU even if I wanted to.” When Gai opens his mouth to retort, Kakashi cuts him off, holding up a hand. “Not that I do want to.” He grabs Gai’s hands. “Now I’m happy because our relationship is still good even after everything and we’re together just the way we want.”

Gai smiles at Kakashi but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes despite how much he tries. “Who knew you could be such a romantic, but I’m going to have to ruin the mood a bit.” Kakashi tilts his head in question. “Are we good? Are we the way we want to be?”

Kakashi huffs, obviously confused. “Yeah, of course we are.”

Gai pulls his hands out of Kakashi’s grasp. “It’s been two years, Kakashi, and people still don’t know about us. We’ve kept our relationship a secret better than Asuma and Kurenai ever kept theirs.”

“Okay?”

Gai sighs. “I don’t get it. I don’t get the big deal, Kakashi. Everybody knows about me and they’ve accepted it perfectly fine. And if someone is going to say anything, it’s going to be to me, which hasn’t happened even once since I’ve come out. There’s no way you’ll get ridiculed or harassed for this.”

“But that’s just it, Gai,” Kakashi starts, shifting his weight nervously. “You’re you. Everyone expects it from you.”

Gai stares at Kakashi, taken aback. He’s not sure how to feel about that statement. “I don't know whether I should be insulted or not.”

“No, no!” Kakashi is quick to say, holding his hands out to quell the situation. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“Gai-” Before Kakashi can continue, there’s a knock at Gai’s apartment door. Both Kakashi and Gai sigh at the same time.

“I better get that.” He stands from the bed and grabs a robe, wrapping it around himself. When he opens the door, Kurenai and Asuma walk in. “What are you two doing here?”

“Enough’s enough, Gai,” Asuma says, his hands on his hips and a cigarette in his mouth. “It’s about time you get over your unrequited crush on Kakashi. You’re coming with Kurenai and I on a double date.”

Gai points at the two of them. “So, you two are admitting you’re dating now?”

Both their faces go red. “No!” Kurenai answers. “Asuma and I would just be going as friends.” Gai internally sighs. He’s sick of the secrets and lies. “But it’s about time you get out there and find someone for yourself. It’s been years, Gai.”

“Yeah, and you two are awfully persistent,” he mumbles under his breath. Then, more clearly, “I just got done training and I’m really sweaty and dirty.”

Asuma turns him around and pushes him away. “Well then, go get cleaned up in that case. You’ve got ten minutes.”

When he enters the bathroom, Kakashi is standing there, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. He’s redressed himself, mask back snugly in place. Gai half expected him to have fled through the bedroom window.

“You didn’t put up much of a fight,” Kakashi says, eyeing Gai as he removes his robe.

Gai turns on the shower and steps into it. He wishes he could have taken a bath instead to relax his muscles. “What would you have had me say?” He looks at Kakashi. “Unless you want to go out there and tell them about us.”

Kakashi pushes off the wall, letting his arms fall to his side. “Why are you okay with those two keeping their relationship a secret but not ours?”

“It’s different and you know it.”

“How so?”

“They’re a man and a woman first off.”

“Why is that so important?” There’s something weird about the way Kakashi is holding himself, as if he’s not telling Gai the whole truth about something.

Gai finishes cleaning himself and turns off the water. He doesn’t have time to be suspicious of Kakashi’s actions at the moment. Grabbing a towel, Gai starts wiping himself dry. “Because of the implications of it. Can you imagine how many young shinobi would look up to us and know they don’t have to be afraid of what they feel for someone of the same sex?”

“That’s not our job.”

“No, but it wouldn’t hurt.” Gai sighs, grabbing the jumpsuit Kakashi hands to him. He hadn’t even noticed that Kakashi had hung one up in here. He starts pulling it on. “Plus, I’m not Kurenai or Asuma, Kakashi. I don’t like being a secret. You know I’ve never been one for that sort of thing. Secrets and lies. I hate them.”

“I know you do but…”

Gai waves him off. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” He approaches the bathroom door, putting a hand on the handle and getting ready to open it. “Don’t worry, I’ll figure out a way to get those two off my back.”

“Gai-”

“Look, Kakashi, I meant what I said. I’ll give you time.” He walks out then, meeting Asuma and Kurenai in his kitchen. Kurenai links her arms with one of Gai’s and they both drag him away.

*~~~*

Gai sighs heavily as he unlocks his door and steps into his apartment. It’s been a long and tiring night. He had done everything he could think of to turn the man Asuma and Kurenai were trying to set him up with, off. He spoke with food in his mouth, laughed loudly — also with food in his mouth — burped noisily, and even resorted to sneezing without covering his mouth. He spoke of his rigorous training routine and how much time it took up in his day to try and give the hint that he would never have time to spend with this man.

Said man, by the end of the date, looked absolutely horrified and so Gai considered it a win. That is, until after they all left the restaurant and the man went his own way, Asuma and Kurenai turned to him and gave him a lecture. They knew he had done all of that behavior on purpose since he never acts like that and they weren’t happy, considering all the trouble they went through to set the date up in the first place. At this point, Gai had to gently tell them to please stop this nonsense, that it was getting old having to do this year after year. He told them if he wants a boyfriend, he is perfectly capable of going out and getting one himself. They left him after that, looking skeptical but acquiescing anyway.

With another tired sigh, Gai shuts his door and turns on the kitchen light. There, sitting at his table, is none other than Kakashi. Gai throws his keys into the bowl next to the door and goes to sit down across from Kakashi, sighing one more time. “I thought you would have left by now. Have you been here all night?”

“Yes.” Kakashi looks him up and down. “You sighed three times within two minutes.”

Gai can feel a headache coming on. He closes his eyes, rests his elbows on the table, and rubs at his temples. “It’s been a long night, Kakashi.”

“Do you want some water?” Kakashi doesn’t wait for an answer before he’s standing up and grabbing a cup, filling it with water. Once done, he sits back down across from Gai, handing him the glass. “Here.”

Gai takes it and sips at it. “I didn’t do anything with him, if you’re wondering.”

Kakashi shakes his head minutely. “I trust you.”

Gai picks at the scratch that is still on his table. “I’m sorry about earlier. I was being unreasonable.”

Kakashi’s eye flits down to watch Gai’s picking. “You were right, though.” He shakes his head. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings when I said everyone expects it from you.” He looks back into Gai’s eyes. “I just meant that you’re so open and confident about yourself, Gai. I’m not.”

Gai chuckles. “You don’t need to change yourself just because people will know we’re dating.” He stills his finger, no longer picking at the scratch. “And if you’re worried about people thinking you’re gay when you’re not, well, that’s their problem and for the people that matter, just tell them you’re not.” Gai gives Kakashi a wide smile, pointing a thumb towards himself. “Tell them you’re Gai-sexual.”

Kakashi laughs at that, shaking his head in amusement, and Gai’s smile widens with victory. “You’re ridiculous.”

“And you love me more for it.” Gai sits back, crossing his arms in satisfaction, and continuing to shoot Kakashi a confident smile. They sit like this for a few seconds, watching each other — there’s still something weird about the way Kakashi is being, as if he doesn’t want Gai to know something and is keeping it from him — until Gai continues more seriously. “I promise you, Kakashi, no one will judge you. Even with that aloof image you like to try and keep up. There’s really nothing to be afraid of.”

“I’m not afraid of that.”

That takes Gai by surprise. All this time, he thought Kakashi didn’t want anyone to know because it would mean two men being together. Still, this must be what Kakashi’s been acting weird about. “Then what is it?”

Kakashi shrugs, avoiding eye contact again. “If I announce it to the world, us being together, then it’ll be taken away from me.”

“Taken away?”

“You’ll die.” Gai falls silent, not having expected that at all. Kakashi points to both of them. “It makes this that much more real and that much more painful if you die.”

Gai huffs, trying to lighten the mood and reassure Kakashi. “I’m not going to die, Kakashi.”

“You don’t know that.” He shakes his head. “Obito didn’t know he was going to die. Rin and Minato-sensei didn’t know, not exactly. They all thought they had more years to live. But that didn’t happen. I got close to them and they left.”

“Hold on.” Gai holds up a hand, silencing Kakashi. “Are you telling me that’s what this whole thing has been about all along?”

Kakashi sucks in a breath through his teeth before answering. “Well, not at first.” Gai is confused all over again. “But the happier I got being with you, the more scared I got that it was going to go away.”

Gai rubs at his face roughly, trying to understand what Kakashi is saying. He’s definitely got a headache now. “You say you don’t want people to know because you’re afraid of making it real but isn’t it already real, whether people know or not? If one of us dies, Kakashi, it’s still going to hurt just as much, no matter what. There’s no getting around that.” Kakashi doesn’t say anything to this but he won’t look at Gai either so Gai figures he’s still got some convincing to do. “I’m glad you’ve finally come to accept yourself,” he says gently. “I know it’s not easy, especially for you.”

Kakashi’s eye darts up to his before dropping back down to the table. “It actually wasn’t that hard. Not when I was with someone as confident as you.”

Gai wants to bask in the glory of having that kind of effect on Kakashi but there are more pressing issues to attend to. “How come you lied earlier?” Gai asks. He’ll get back to the real reason for all the secrecy around their relationship later. First and foremost, he needs to take care of this issue. “During our conversation before Asuma and Kurenai swept me away, you made it out as if you didn’t want others to know you were dating another man. Why?”

Kakashi shrugs one shoulder. “It wasn’t a complete lie. It was like that at first.”

“But not anymore.”

Kakashi sighs heavily, shoulders slumping. “I didn’t want you to know the real reason. I didn’t think… I didn’t think you’d understand.”

“I’ve lost people too, you know?”

“I know,” Kakashi says quietly, hanging his head. “I’m sorry.”

Gai sighs. “You don’t need to be sorry, Kakashi. I just want the truth.” Kakashi nods. “No more lying. It’s not,” he thinks about all that time Kakashi spent in ANBU and how much it had changed him during that time, “it’s not good for you or us.” He reaches out and places a hand on top of Kakashi’s. “Deal?”

Kakashi looks up to him and smiles, small but genuine. “Deal.”

Gai curls his fingers to hold onto Kakashi’s hand now. It’s warm under the fingerless gloves Kakashi wears and Gai wishes he could hold it for an eternity. “Listen, I can’t guarantee that I won’t die, you know this, but you can’t guarantee you won’t either. None of us can. People die, Kakashi. It’s part of life.” He swallows, thinking of his father. “And it hurts. It hurts like hell, as you know, as well. And it’s hard to move on from.” He shakes his head, giving Kakashi a sympathetic smile. “But that shouldn’t keep you from living your life and being happy. Life hurts but it’s also beautiful and can create amazing things.” He reaches across the table, holds out his hand until Kakashi places his other hand in Gai’s palm so now Gai is holding both of them. “You deserve to be happy, my dearest Rival.”

Kakashi’s cheek rises slightly in that all too familiar smile that Gai absolutely adores. “How come you always know the exact right thing to say?”

Gai beams at him, proud of himself. He shoves a thumb into his chest, pointing at himself. “Because, I am the great Blue Beast of the Leaf.”

Kakashi chuckles. “Pretty sure that has nothing to do with it.”

Gai’s smile softens. “Because I love you.” Kakashi doesn’t say it back — he never has — but Kakashi’s eye does crinkle in a smile, and Gai is fine with it. Despite his complaining, Gai would give Kakashi an eternity if that is what was needed. Gai jumps out of his chair, suddenly energized and his headache already having gone away. “Now, Rival, I challenge you to a short race!”

“What?” Kakashi asks, surprised by the sudden change in mood, getting out of his own chair in a stumbling mess.

“The first one to bed wins!” Gai races off, ignoring Kakashi’s call.

“Oi! No fair!”

*~~~*

Asuma and Kurenai stare at them, looking between the two of them with complete and utter shock. Ebisu and Genma exchange money behind them, Ebisu grumbling something about losing a bet. Kakashi and Gai stand there, holding hands — much to Kakashi’s displeasure — with Gai smiling happily at the four of them.

Asuma pulls the cigarette out of his mouth, letting a puff of smoke escape his lungs. “So,” he points between the two with the cigarette, “you two are now dating?”

“Ha!” Gai holds up a victorious fist, smiling wide. “We’ve _been_ dating! Isn’t it wonderful?”

“For how long?” Kurenai asks. Genma and Ebisu perk up.

“Two years,” Kakashi drawls from beside him.

The shock is back on Asuma and Kurenai’s face while Ebisu hands Genma more money, now grumbling something along the lines of, “Can’t believe I lost twice.”

“How… did this happen?” Asuma asks, sticking the cigarette back in his mouth and taking a long drag.

Gai gets excited again and he hears Kakashi groan in embarrassment from beside him. “It was the power of youth, Asuma! Our passion knows no bounds!”

“That… really didn’t answer my question,” Asuma mumbles.

Kakashi groans again, rubbing a hand down his face. “It kind of just happened.”

“Then you two decided to just keep it a secret for two years?” Kurenai asks, her shock turning into amusement.

“It was… complicated,” Kakashi answers.

Gai lets go of Kakashi’s hand and slips in between Kurnenai and Asuma, pulling them closer to him by the shoulders. “Now we can go on a proper double date.”

Asuma stiffens and looks away defiantly while Kurenai’s ears turn red. Gai chuckles at it. “We aren’t dating,” Asuma grumbles.

“Just friends,” Kurenai says under her breath.

Gai and Kakashi make eye contact, amusement sparkling in Kakashi’s eye. Gai looks from Kurenai and Asuma, laughing at the way they look. “Right.” He smiles at them, showing that he obviously doesn’t believe them for even one second. “Friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I'm editing this a few days later because, even though no one has said something to me about it, I feel like I need to clarify Gai saying Kakashi can say he's Gai-sexual (I'm ace myself and even just writing that line made me a bit uncomfortable because of the phobia that can be garnered from it.)
> 
> Anyway, the reason why I had Gai say that, is because I imagine, in this fic at least, during this time period they don't have the vocabulary or language for asexual, demisexual, grey-asexual, and the same for the romantic side of things. So they don't know the term demiromantic and demisexual even though that is 100% what Kakashi is in this fic.
> 
> I just wanted to clear that up just in case it's not clear in the fic itself. :)
> 
> Next, and final update, will be on 12/16/2020
> 
> [Tumblr](https://angelcamael.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Fanfiction Tumblr](https://lopithecusfanfiction.tumblr.com/)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are both 24 in this chapter. This is basically just a wrapping everything up chapter.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!!

“Kakashi!”

Gai runs up to his best friend and boyfriend, linking their arms together briefly before giving his cheek a peck. He then lets go of his rival, knowing that Kakashi, despite having been openly dating Gai for two years now, isn't too fond of PDA. Kakashi doesn’t acknowledge his presence, continuing to walk and read his book at the same time. Gai falls in step with him.

“I have news, Rival,” Gai announces, knowing despite the pretenses, Kakashi is listening to him. “I’ve mastered all the gates.”

This makes Kakashi stop in his tracks, looking towards Gai abruptly. “You’ve what?”

“I’ve mastered all eight gates.” He beams at his rival. “I can open all eight now.”

“You can?”

“Well, I can’t be sure about the eighth one for obvious reasons, but I know how to open it and I’m confident if the time came, I would be able to.”

Kakashi has gone pale — if that’s even a possibility with his already pale complexion — and looks at Gai wide eyed. “But you can’t.”

Gai’s smile slowly melts from his face. “Why not?”

“Because you’ll die if you open the eighth one,” Kakashi says, as if it wasn’t obvious.

“I know.” His brows furrow, feeling a little irritated. He had hoped Kakashi would be proud of him. “Trust me, I know better than anyone the outcome of the last gate.”

Kakashi sighs. “I know. I’m sorry.” He’s frowning under his mask. “I just don’t want you to ever have to use it.”

“Hey,” Gai reaches out and wraps Kakashi up in a tight hug. “I won’t ever use the last gate unless it’s a last resort. I promise.”

Kakashi buries his face into Gai’s neck, wrapping his arms around Gai’s waist. They stand there for a while, enjoying each other’s embrace despite the crowd around them, before finally pulling away. Kakashi reaches up, cups one of Gai’s cheeks, and Gai sees his cheek raise in a small, timid, smile. Gai smiles back. Kakashi is still so afraid of losing him.

“Come on, let’s go have a ramen eating contest!” Gai announces loudly, catching the eyes of the citizens around them. By now, however, they are used to his and Kakashi’s antics.

Kakashi’s smile grows and his eye crinkles beautifully. “Okay.”

*~~~*

Gai swallows the food in his mouth, taking a sip of his tea. They are sitting at Kakashi’s table, eating their supper, as they talk about their day. Gai had just gotten back from a quick mission and today was Kakashi’s first day with his new genin. Or, at least, they would be his new genin if he hadn’t failed them… again.

“What was wrong with the younglings this time?” Gai asks, putting more food in his mouth.

Kakashi sighs and takes a drink. His mask is pulled down and Gai’s heart always flutters at the trust Kakashi gives him. “They didn’t work as a team, Gai. What else?”

“If I recall correctly, when Minato-sensei did the same thing, neither did you.”

Kakashi rolls his eye. “That’s different.”

“Why?” Gai chuckles. “Because you were the genius Hatake Kakashi?”

“I had been a genin long before I had to do that with Obito and Rin.” Gai hums, swallowing his last bite of food. “It seemed pointless to me back then. Now, I see the importance.” Kakashi finishes up his food as well, pulling his mask back up.

“They don’t graduate them that young anymore, do they?” Gai asks rhetorically.

“We were in the middle of a war,” Kakashi comments anyway, picking up the dishes and going over to the sink to wash up. Gai follows, helping him by drying the ones he washes. “They needed us as soon as possible.”

“I suppose so,” Gai says, wiping at a plate. “As eager as we were back then, Kakashi, I’m glad the kids now have more time in the academy.”

Kakashi nods, handing him a cup. “Me too.”

Gai leans back on the counter, finishing up the last of the plates. “We’ve survived a lot, you and I.”

“For the better?” Kakashi turns, looks at him.

“I like to think so.” Gai shrugs. “Despite everything.”

Kakashi looks at him, scrutinizing, before stepping closer and placing his hands on Gai’s shoulders. He leans close, almost touching their faces together. “Yeah, me too.”

Kakashi kisses him, slow and sweet.

*~~~*

Kakashi is pacing at the end of Gai’s hospital bed when Gai opens his eyes. He groans in pain, the bright lights of the room hurting his eyes. At hearing him, Kakashi stops moving and looks over at him, obviously angry.

“Kakashi?”

“The seventh gate, Gai? Really?” Kakashi is by his side, leaning over him with his hands on his hips in agitation. “What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that I was saving my comrades,” Gai says, voice laced with pain. It’s the first time he’s used the seventh gate properly and now his entire body hurts.

“You could have killed yourself!” Kakashi practically yells. He takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. “What if you had to open the eighth gate?”

“Then I would have opened it.”

“No!” Kakashi growls, teeth grit together tightly. “You said-”

“I said I would only use it as a last resort. Not that I would never use it.”

Kakashi is steaming with anger, Gai can practically feel it radiating off him, but the other man stands there, perfectly still. It’s not like when Kakashi was in ANBU. During those times, Kakashi was dangerous and scary. Now, he just looks small and scared.

Gai reaches out to him, grabbing a hold of his elbow and gently pulling him down so Kakashi is sitting on the edge of the bed, facing him. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

Kakashi watches him, hands coming up to cup Gai’s face. Then his hands start roaming all over Gai, first into his hair, then down his neck to his chest and waist. Gai lets him, despite the pinpricks of pain that shoot through his body at every touch Kakashi gives him. He can see Kakashi’s jaw tighten, the tears that pool in his visible eye, and then Kakashi leans forward and rests his face on top of Gai’s shoulder. Gai ignores the pain that skyrockets down his spine.

“I can’t lose you just yet, Gai,” Kakashi whispers. “I’m not ready.”

“I don’t think either of us will ever be ready to lose each other.” Gai rubs a hand down Kakashi’s back soothingly. “But I’m here now, Kakashi. I didn’t die. It’s okay.”

“Gai,” Kakashi says, voice low, almost inaudible. “I…”

Gai smiles warmly and rests his cheek atop Kakashi’s head. “I love you too.”

*~~~*

They’re stargazing together, one of the things that Gai does with Kakashi that he cherishes the most. They’ll usually lie there, watching the stars as Gai talks endlessly to Kakashi who listens to him and comments every so often on whatever Gai had just said. It’s relaxing and something they can do that allows them to let go of their worries for a little while.

They lie close to each other, Kakashi’s right hand holding Gai’s softly, sides pressed against each other. Gai is pointing out one of the constellations, talking about how awesome it would be to visit the stars and Kakashi commenting on how ridiculous that sounds, when Kakashi suddenly interrupts him.

Kakashi turns onto his side to face Gai, never letting go of Gai’s hand. “Thank you for never giving up on me.”

“Of course, Rival!” Gai says happily. “I would never give up on or abandon you.”

“I hope you know I trust you with my life, Gai,” Kakashi comments, ignoring Gai’s enthusiasm.

“I trust you with mine,” Gai supplies, smiling at his boyfriend. He doesn’t know where this is coming from all of a sudden but he’s not about to complain.

“I want you to know that I appreciate you, Gai,” Kakashi continues. His eye roams Gai’s face and his eye slowly crinkles while his cheek rises in that small smile of his. “I love you.”

Gai’s breath hitches and he has to remind himself to breathe. It’s the first time Kakashi has ever said those words to him — not that Gai ever doubted Kakashi’s feelings towards him — and it’s taken him by surprise. He never actually thought Kakashi  _ would _ say it to him which would have been fine, but now that he has, Gai’s chest warms with so much affection towards the man in front of him, it’s almost unbearable.

Gai knows better than to make a big deal out of it, though. So, instead, he leans forward, a wide grin set in place — because he really can’t help it — pulls Kakashi’s mask down, and kisses him softly. Kakashi kisses him back and it’s a while before they pull apart.

Gai rests his forehead against Kakashi’s, keeping his eyes shut and just holding Kakashi within his arms. He could live here if it were possible.

He smiles, feeling the warmth of Kakashi against him.

“I love you too… Kakashi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and for all of you that have commented! I really appreciate it and I am so happy that you all enjoyed this story!!
> 
> Until next time! :)
> 
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